Dr. Pinhas,
I have to let you know how much of and imprint you’ve left in my life. I am not currently sexually active because I am waiting for marriage but even still, you have touched me in a way through your lectures that have made me so comfortable with my body and I am greatfull. I used to be very touchy about (sex) and now I am much more liberated. Thank you so much for being who you are and doing what you do. You have helped me tremendously with learning my body and who I am and for this I am grateful.
Response From Dr. Pinhas
Hi M,
It is interesting that your value system encourages you to wait until marriage to become sexually active yet you’ve allowed yourself to stay open to the information presented in class. It is a pleasure that you do not have to defend yourself against sexual information about your genitalia that could potentially create anxiety. You’ve incorporated the class material exactly in the way I intended it to be.. that is, to take it in to yourself, and make it useful, given whatever value system you believe in. This is what good sexual education does. It allows people of diverse backgrounds, with varying values, to make the best use of material about their sexual selves to enhance their own lives in the context of their own values.
Having said this, a few words about the content of our chat….. Your vulva belongs to you.. it is not a foreign agent, an alien structure meant to cause you grief and shame. If we must get theological about it, it is God given and so it is natural and normal. Unfortunately, as we are raised and time goes by, we get all sorts of negative messages about our genitalia and those of men, as depicted in the meaning of cultural sexual slang. What started out as a normal anatomical part of our selves gets hyped into an area that is imbued with ideas of “dirt, smell and badness”. A sad state of affairs, Isn’t it? I don’t know whether I mentioned this in class but there is a wonderful permanent Elizabeth Sackler exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum called “The Dinner Party” by an artist named Judy Chicago. This exhibit has been around since the late 1970’s but what makes it so special, at least to me, is the historical depiction of famous women on artistic dinner plates with beautiful, strong, flowery representations of their vulvas. This is in stark contrast to how our vulvas get depicted through sexual innuendo and slang. Why the artist and her work, has been caught up in controversy is the stuff of another blog. The exhibit is gorgeous, liberating, and expressive. If any of you live in the New York area, it is worth seeing, especially if you appreciate artistic metaphor.
As a final note, M, I am pleased to be part of your journey. We’ve only just begun. There is still magic to be made in class! (LOL)
Thanks to your lectures, I have also learned to know my body much better. Now I understand how important is to be patient and not to be desperate about having sexual intercourse. I used to worry too much about this topic; since I have my boyfriend I thought it was the moment to start doing it. I have heard many people talking bad things about sex; they believe it’s shameful or something like that. However, I have realized that this belief is not right; everybody can have different perspectives, but no one can influence in your decisions. For me, I don’t have to concern about what other people believe, I’m the one who decides what it’s good for me, and I will know when it is the right time to experience it.
I hope to continue learning more in your classes.
Ym.
Thank you
There is never a need to rush sexual intercourse particularly when something is nagging at you on the inside. There are plenty of ways to express yourself erotically with a partner that slow things down and keep you in control and feeling safe. We will talk about a sensate focus in class, which is really a wonderful way to express yourself as a sexual being, without having sexual intercourse, in a guilt free, STD free, pregnancy risk free, highly erotic way. Thanks Jess, for expressing your viewpoint.
Dr.Pinhas:
In the class I am in now with you, I have enjoyed to see a woman who allows herself to speak openly about sex. The women that have been my caregivers growing up were traditional Italians who repressed their sexuality. It was a known fact, sex was for the man only. Women were just to bear children and that would be the only time to have sex. Obviously, in the world we live in today, women have become more liberated. There has been guilt and shame attatched to my sexual relationship with my boyfriend due to my religious and traditional upbringing. Now after learning that it is up to me to decide, sex has been more enjoyable with my boyfriend. There’s still a lot that needs to be worked out in the relationship but I am looking within more often than listening to what I’ve been taught.
Thank you
C M
It’s always important to listen to your inner voice. Particularly when you’ve learned sexual positive information and incorporated this into your value system. The best is yet to come…. we will be discussing sensate focus- a non demand, non goal oriented, non performance, safe sex oriented way to express yourself with a partner. It’s a winner and I am sure you will enjoy learning about it.
I agree with everything that M said. Because of your lectures I feel less insecure about even talking about sex. i was also really touchy on the topic, but you got me to be more open. I guess i felt weird talking about sex because i didn’t have the knowledge about it that i do now. I’m really glad took this course, especially having you as a professor because i know i woulnd’t feel the same if i had someone else who taught straight out of the text book all semester with no interest in really helping us out in our sex lives or future sex lives. I know i havn’t spoken much in class, but like i said, i wasn’t comfortable talking about my sexuality. None the less, i learned so much from your class that i know i’m going to use in my future. Thank you =]
Hello Dr. Pinhas,
I have a few anxieties on the subject of virginity. My first (and only) boyfriend and I lasted 2½ years, but never had sex. I guess it’s because I’ve always placed such a great importance on it and I knew it wasn’t true love—it just wouldn’t have felt right. Until recently I thought I would want to marry a virgin and give my husband that “special gift.” Since my boyfriend and I broke up, my mentality has changed quite a bit, and the idea of waiting just doesn’t seem realistic. Yes, I still want to wait for the right person, but, lately, I feel like I’m missing out on something great and I want in on it. A term that has become part of my vocabulary since hearing you say it in class is “sex guilt.” My mom has told me she married a virgin, but thinks it’d be perfectly fine for me to have experience prior to getting married—since times are different. However, even though she’s open, my mom has another side to her with old fashioned ideas like “ladies” shouldn’t use tampons. She’s also told me to be careful because she will know if I have sex…supposedly the body changes?! The idea of her knowing is enough to make me want to be abstinent forever. I’m so conflicted. I know I’m mentally ready to have sex, whenever that moment comes, but I have this guilt and resentment at these conflicting signals. How can I set my mother’s ideas and opinions aside from my own so that I can do what I think is right without feeling guilty? For something that’s supposed to be so special and natural, virginity can sure cause a lot of stress.
I am also a virgin and I want to lose it to my future husband. This is very hard because there are so many cute boys so temptation does bite. Guys do approach me but I dont really bother with them. I dont think I will get a boyfriend anytime soon since I am a virgin and we all know that there are hardly any boys who would get into a relationship if a girl isnt give him “any”. This also make me wonder since it will be hard to get a boyfriend will there be a marriage in my future? Dr. Pinhas what do you think about this.
I think often times individuals who are raised with strong religious upbringing find the topic of sex to be taboo. Individuals may think that speaking or knowing about sex, their body parts and other sexual topics are violations of their biblical principles. However, to my knowledge, there is no biblical scripture that explains the human body parts nor describes the purpose of these body parts. However, since humans genetic make-up consist of several sexual organs (vagina, penis, breast, etc.) and we are the care takers of them, there can be nothing wrong in knowing their make up or examining them as we so please. For when there is something medical wrong, we have to, at least the have basic knowledge regarding our body parts, (beyond the obvious- hands, feet, nose, eyes, etc) so that we can seek the appropriate medical attention, whenever necessary. More importantly, we should learn about our sexual organs, to the extent that when we become involve (by marriage or otherwise) with our partners, we can know how to appreciate healthy sexuality. After all, good sexual relationship is also an aspect of a healthy marriage/relationship.
There is a theme in this posting and comments of relief and enrichment when people open up and talk about sex. I wish I’d been a student of yours in my early-20s. My college education was more “Old Testament Bible Theology” than it was human thoughts, fears, experiences, and expression of intimacy between partners.
While guys joke about sex almost incessantly, starting in about 4th grade, there’s very little serious discussion about sex among men as adults, and even sometimes little discussion between male-female partners. You set an example of openness and opened a door for your students, and their lives are already richer for it.
Chris
Thank you for your kind words… What we need in America is less “Old Testament Bible Theology” and more thoughtful, well rounded, seasoned sexuality education which puts the emphasis on psychoaffective meaning.