Hey this is Matt from your human sexuality class. During the class we were talking about how you stimulate a girl. We learned about the Djing of course but I was more interested in the language. I specifically remember you saying it is how you talk to a girl that makes her become wet/horny. It has been apparent to me and my friend’s that I don’t have the so called “game” to meet or pick up a girl. I just wanna know what it is that makes girls become interested in guy…….so basically what is this language and how do I learn it? hahaha. I recently just got over intimidation of actually talking to a girl and I think it would be helpful to actually learn how to have a conversation and keep her interested. Thanks for your help.
Hi Matt,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. When I said in class, “its how you talk to a girl that gets her interested in you… I wasn’t referring to “talking dirty” to her… to turn her on…. that is the stuff of another blog. I was talking about how, when you are in a relationship, you need to use an attractive approach with a woman. Passivity, in response to a woman who has a distinct point of view, gets a guy no where. A woman wants a guy to tell the truth about how he sees a situation in a direct way. If he has no opinion, or doesn’t “care” about a woman’s point of view, this can be a problem. If a woman experiences a man as not caring, or being passive and VOICELESS, she most likely will not be interested in the guy. A woman wants a guy who tells the truth. A woman wants a guy to be firm, in a no nonsense direct way; she wants a guy who is firm and direct yet reasonable and sensitive. This is not an easy position for most guys to negotiate– it is a fine art that must be learned. From another point of view, when guys “claim themselves” in a respectful way; when they stand up for themselves in the face of female high”drama”, emotional mood swings, or mind games, most woman, stop in their tracks, with a look of awe and respect.
Now meeting or picking up girls is a different art form because there is no relationship yet– its all about “vibe” or “game”, as you call it. It seems that your anxiety level might be high because you fear rejection. Because of the rejection potential, you may create the very condition which your fear. This means if you are so anxious and ill at ease, you might be communicating this sentiment; so much is at stake for you. The pressure you feel to have a girlfriend might be seen by many women as pressure for them to be in a relationship, yesterday. Pressure has an unusual way of being communicated– unconsciously. Now that I have read your journal, I get what you want in a relationship which is something meaningful and intimate. You are putting so much pressure on yourself and undoubtedly are putting pressure on a woman to respond to you. You need to chill and relax and be playful. In other words, leave some emotional space to play with women. This will warm them and challenge them to gravitate toward you.
I would just like to say that I had the exact same problem in high school. I was the shy, quite guy who would NEVER approach a women. But in college I learned and I grew, so here’s what I can tell you:
1. Know who you are and appreciate that person.
2. Learn to be sociable—with everyone, not just girls.
3. Build your confidence (gym, art, singing, whatever works for you)
4. Look like a million dollars. Get her initial attention visually.
5. Feel good about yourself and exude that energy
and remember, you got nothing to lose, so just keep that attitude. Life is short, rejection happens, move on.
oh, G
What excellent advice. Doesn’t everyone agree?
I just want to say that I agree with both responses to this matter and would like to add a little something else… I cant say that i was ever afraid to talk to girls but sometimes just didn’t know what exactly to say…Over the years i realized just make sure you talk about something that the 2 of you can relate on…if this happens you will be able to talk for hours no problem and it will just be natural…you don’t need to plan what to say or write a script but just be confident and as GV said learn to appreciate yourself because if u can do that you can leave any conversation with a female with your head up good or bad….and honestly if a girl cant appreciate you for who u r than screw them and just go on to the next one and just be yourself.
(just put my name in as Matt) Thanks as always life is a learning process. I guess things in the past are effecting me now and ill have to learn to deal with it and work around it. I feel I have grown a lot since high school but I guess not to the exact point I want to be at yet. I have tried to seek help in the past but it hasn’t helped, but at least I know I need it. Thank you Dr. Pinhas for your response it has helped me see things differently and I look forward to speaking with you in the future as it seems you can help me out a lot with my dilemma.
I totally agree with Dr. Pinhas. I’m a girl and she’s right about how women don’t want a passive guy. It’s true, it will get you nowhere. I also agree with Dr. P when she said how when guys “claim themselves” in the face of women’s mind games it makes most women stop in their tracks, especially if we don’t expect the guy to stand up for themselves. I would also have to agree with GV..you have to be confident and feel good about yourself first before you can be with anyone else.
I have a similar problem when it comes to communication with the fairer sex. I have no problem making friends with other guys and being funny and just having a good time, but bring a female into the picture I just clam up. In my mind I know exactly what I want to say but when I go to open my mouth nothing comes out. I feel like a mute. Basically, I find it hard to be myself around women.
This advice seems pretty good and I like what G.V. had to say, as well as Dr. Pinhas. I am definately going to try this out, I am determined to just make one female friend that I met on my own, and if it gets to the next level, who knows…
I completely agree with Dr.P. As a female I like a guy to stimulate my mind, if we can’t engage in a conversation we are going NO WHERE ! Women like a guy that’s social and outgoing, someone who can hold a conversation. All women just want the truth, no need to lie, especially if it’s to try to impress her. I personally like a guy who’s outgoing, & keeps it real. I don’t need lame tactics that guys often use to impress a girl. A guy with confidence, but not cocky is good in my book. Be yourself & if the person who you’re pursuing can’t appreciate that, then that’s not the person for you.
I agree with GV and MB. On the other hand,there are some girls unfortunately who like to be sweet talked and told an ear full of lies…I used to be like that. The flip side though is there are girls who like a guy who is truthful about everything he says; secrets are the worst things to bring into a relationship. Also another thing to not do is show off too much because just like what MB says THAT is a REAL turn off for girls well at least for me.
Not to sound conceited but this has always come fairly easy to me. I just treat girls with respect and don’t expect anything from them. I never hit on them, do some playful flirting and read her to see if she’s interested. If I get a good vibe it’s a good siign to take it a little further. If not cut my losses and leave it as a friendly encounter. Always be confident in yourself and never seem like your looking for something. Focus on getting to know her a little bit and usually works out. Most guys don’t do this because they girls have nothing interesting to say. Many girls out there have a lot to say that is well your time.
I think that every girl is different and has their own opinions about how a boy should act toward them. I’m a girl and I feel that as long as the boy is himself there should be no problem. A boy being himself shows that he is open and honest, which is a step in the right direction. Also, it shows that you are confident, which is a very sexy trait for a boy to have. I also recommand that if a boy is trying to talk to a girl he likes, he should not do it in front of his friends. Peer pressure tends to kick in and you won’t act like yourself. In instead of trying to win over the girl, you’re going to try and win over your friends and be an idiot, which will turn the girl off. The best thing is to take the girl you like to the side, talk to her and be yourself. Compliment her on something you like about her. In most cases, if you can make the girl laugh your in. So the key is being yourself, and if she rejects you, at least you know you were honest and it’s not the end of the world. There will be other girls!
I agree with your statement that communicating with female is a fine art. Therefore, the idea is for the approach to be sincere and classy. Granted, an initial meet and greet stage is not a chance to “go to bed.” Rather this is the stage where two people get to know each other- name, likes, dislikes, cultures etc. So if a simple greeting does not spur the sparks, then the show continues- you move along.
I think the anxiety feeling is what may cause the approach the male takes towards the female, to be uncomfortable or shy. Let’s face it no one likes rejection. However, if you bear in mind that not all the “grapes on the vine is edible,” than you will know ahead of time that you have to discard some of these grapes when you wash the bunch and is getting ready to feast on the grapes.
A good confident smile and a simple hello won’t hurt the way the female is greeted either.
Hey guys, I hope this helps! in reference to Matt’s statement finding the “right one” can be intimidating and even scary. Let’s face it we all have that male anxiety. At the end of the day in order to find a good girlfriend she first needs to be a good friend. Now I know this sounds cliche but honestly all “good game” really is is just being able to be yourself and not being “thirsty.” After all if you want a relationship with someone you want to make it a good lasting one. Be confident in who you are and she’ll come along! Good luck
It is quite refreshing to learn that you guys have this anxiety. Us women have a similar torment going on too (Is he trying to impress his friends by coming over here to talk to me? Is he just trying to pick me up?) The Male/Female relationship can be a little intimidating. Guys, just be you! Don’t over think it. First of all you can’t expect to go from 0 to 60 in a NY Minute, women are not machines. You really do need to go slow. You can’t expect to walk up to a girl and be so gifted in your speech that she is instantly swept away and right there wants to have sex with you. That AIN’T happening.Get to genuinely know her. The most successful relationships start out as friendships. If there is chemistry, things will progress at the right time. If there is no Chemistry with that particular individual-so what, you keep meeting people and making friends till the one shows up. Take your time, it’s easy to be yourself when there’s no pressure or countdown clock in the background. Women don’t like to feel rushed and when you guys start wanting to be too physical way too soon, we are turned off. Work on being a cool friend, the first person we want to hang out with and you will be plesantly surprised at how she will be the one puting the moves on you. Women have to feel comfortable before anything serious goes down. There is no secret play boy language to learn, you just have to be genuine.
Hey, I just wanted to say that 90% of the things that you fear dont end up happening. The first 3 times I asked a girl out I got rejected and made fun of in some way for 2 out of the 3 cases. This caused me to almost fear courting girls. After just giving up and not caring I seemed to have success having girls gravitate towards me naturally. Nothing is going to change on it’s own and you just need some sort of push of confidence. I don’t know if you gotta get a book on how to kick it to a girl, watch tv shows, talk to friends that are girls, see a hypnotherapist to help ease your subconscious mind or what but the fact is you have to do something about it, otherwise youre gonna face having a pretty miserable life. In any case I’m sure you know what you’re comfortable with but trust me, you dont want to live with that anxiety your whole life, a few years was enough for me. Give yourself some more credit
good luck to you.
“A good confident smile and a simple hello won’t hurt the way the female is greeted either.” Couldnt say it any better myself. Growing up with two older sisters I learned from them not only how to talk to girls but how all women should be treated (I thank them every day for this). I feel that all you have to do is be confident with yourself and every thing should fall in to place. I know its hard to think of it like this but what do you have to lose? Be confident when talking to a girl, try to make her laugh and most importantly dont overly try. If you make it seem like youre not trying to hit on her it will make her more comfortable. In short just have some confidence in yourself and make her feel comfortable and it should be smooth sailing.
when men aren’t confident or feel they don’t look good at times that causes them to have a hard time speaking to a women.I’ve always had a hard time speaking to women not because i feel negatively about myself but because i usually run out of things to say or im always thinking what the girl is thinking after my every comment. When i actually did break the ice or at times the girl came up to me and broke the ice it seemed to always work out. Even when you break the ice and speak about things you have in common, theres that awkward silence that makes you uneasy. how come a guy could be really good at speaking to women but after a long relationship cant seem to do it anymore as he used to be able to?