Overall with any form of STD, how should you go about telling someone that you have one? I feel that it would be someone’s right to know but i have heard people say that once you practice safe sex then there is no need to disclose that information. Is that true as well? P ( I’m a guy)
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Once you know that you have an STD, you have a responsibility to be “stand up”. Sure, lot’s of people have fears of being stigmatized about being “dirty”, a “cheater”, or a ” low-life” but these labels prevent us from redeeming ourselves when we try to do the right thing by telling our partners. If you are in a monogamous relationship, only you know whether you’ve cheated on her. You need to start with this as your guideline. Do not project your cheating behavior onto her and assume that she was cheating as well. What a way to get out from under being above board!!!! Do not blame the victim… this will ultimately make you feel sooooo very guilty and lower your self-esteem, unless of course, you are a psych/sociopath. My experience tells me, that we cannot get caught up in how others will regard us in that specific situation. This causes paralysis. The focus needs to be on your partner’s well being. Ok, you might feel lousy about cheating on your “honey” ( particularly if the relationship was suppose to be a monogamous one), but at least you can rationalize to yourself, that you are a caring and considerate person by letting your partner know that you might have infected them. Many guys do not know that most women do not have symptoms of certain bacterial STD’s like gonorrhea and chlamydia until they have symptoms of pelvic inflammatory disease infections which can leave them sterile or with ectopic pregnancies, many months after the inital infection. Not a comforting thought!. So it would be nice to have a heads up by your partner. She may be furious with you, under certain circumstances. Don’t make excuses about why you cheated …..blah, blah,blah…. Tell her that you know she’s pissed at you, and that she has every right to be upset with you..but that you want her to get checked out because her health is at stake and you don’t want anything to happen to her… This kind of sentiment may go a long way with women. When you suck up your fear about relationship repercussions, and are candidly direct and considerate, you may score points with women, even if your behavior was shady. ( so much of your partner’s reaction may be contextual.. that is, your history together.)
If you know in your heart of hearts that you were not fooling around with anyone, and she transmitted the disease to you, there are a couple of ways to understand what has happened. She may have been infected before you were an “item”, in which case she did not cheat on you. Or she may be the one who isn’t monogamous in which case, you will have a boat-load of angry, hurt, jealous, disappointed feelings. Do not punish her by letting her STD go untreated. You need to tell her that you’ve contracted one and you know where you’ve been, but that you are unclear where she’s been. Do not get hung up on the relationship issue for now. Make sure she gets tested and treated first. You can sort out relationship issues later.
In the aftermath, what you are left with is the status of your relationship. There is clearly a lot of relationship complexity when STD’s rear their heads– issues of trust, respect, betrayal, guilt and shame all need to be worked through. Upon acknowledgement of STD’s, some relationships fold, some partners are forgiven, others need work to heal.
If the relationship is a “friends with benefits” type– there should be less complications about disclosing STD status. But, heh, you never know how people are going to react. The STD acknowledgment sometimes gets us to question what type of two-person sexual relationship is important to us– casual or committed.
Practicing safe sex ( using latex condoms) does not release you from responsibility from acknowledging that you have acquired an STD. This is a prelude to the blame game. If you have symptoms of an STD, you must be HONEST, direct and responsible regardless of whether you’ve practiced safe sex. These character traits are the hallmark of a mature person. Self-respect is where its at.
I have to agree with Dr. Pinhas on this. As a girl, I’d really appreciate it if someone was honest with me about having an STD. Granted I’d be angry at first if it was due to cheating but I’d be thankful the guy was caring enough to be honest and look out for my well being.
I also agree with Dr. Pinhas. I feel that if i were to have an intimate relationship with someone, there should be sort of trust there.
I would have to agree with every response to this sensitive subject at hand. As a woman, I would prefer that a man, who I’m involved with will come to me as a man and tell me about his health issues.All respect will be lost if I found out elsewhere.
I agree with Dr.Pinhas. I know what its like to be in the position of thinking you have an STD and not knowing whether or not you want to tell the other person. Yes it is a sensitive subject and you fear what people around you will say and think but if you really care about yourself and the other person you’d let them know. I would respect a man more if he came out and told me oppose to letting me find out some other way.
I, also, agree with Dr. Pinhas. I had the unfortunate experience of being diagnosed with HPV two years ago, a few months after I brought my relationship with my partner of three and a half years to an abrupt halt by cheating on him with another man. Hence, I think you see my dilemma- I had not been getting tested while I was dating my partner (not smart, but I assumed we had been faithful), so now I was unsure if it was my partner or the gentleman I cheated on my partner with who had the HPV I contracted. I did inform both guys about my HPV-positive status. My ex-partner and I had a brief conversation during which he was rather cold to me, but I did my best to remain tactful and polite. After all, despite the painful end I had loved this man for three years. He deserved my honesty. Plus, I knew he had met another woman he was getting involved with, and he needed to know he might be HPV-positive so that she and he could take the measures they needed to in order to prevent him from transmitting it to her. It is a tough thing to talk about, but vitally important, especially considering the number of people who are “getting it on” and (most of their) shaky sexual histories. We need to talk about it. And if you are with a partner you trust, that should be a no-brainer. Just last week I noticed that my boyfriend, who always had a mark that looked a little like a wart (but sort of looked like a birthmark, so I never said anything) has grown a few more. On the shaft of his penis, no less. That is THE most likely spot for a man to present with… you guessed it, genital condylomas or genital warts! Possibly HPV-type! So what did I do about it? I gently bridged the topic with him, while we were still naked and after sex, and I told him I’d be getting tested and asked him to kindly do the same. He was very understanding.. and grateful. He had no idea what those bumps were, and now we think we do and will be taking the proper precautions to prevent sharing them.
It’s about trust, people, but ultimately it’s about respect for yourself and those you choose to share your body with! :)
No matter what, you should always be upfront with your partner about any STDs. Just put yourself in their position. Wouldn’t you want to know? Putting your partner at risk simply because you don’t want to be thought of in a certain way would be pretty selfish.