I am 36 year old mom .the last time i had sex with my husband the night when we conceived our daughter.
Its been 2 years we do not have any sexually contact.Except hugs and a kiss .I know my hormones are making me nuts ,the thing is my husband does not believe that i am ” bitchy” because of that he said it’s just a excuse to being .. and have a bad mood etc.
He always telling me he to old ( he just turned 40years Old) i know he loves me.
can u tell me what wrong with us ?i wanna have my old self back .
please help
Thank you
G
Response from Dr. Pinhas
What is evident is that the both of you are staying away from each other. My presumption is that you have a two year old daughter and you say you are hormonally stressed out. Both of these factors can create difficulties with sexual desire. The problem is G, that the issue between you and hubbie is far more complicated than you know. Problems with desire are different from problems with arousal. In order for me to provide you with an answer that’s meaningful, I’d need to know sooooooo much more than you’ve given me. Do you want sex? Does he want sex? Who wants sex more, you or him? Neither? What went on emotionally and sexually between the two of you before you gave birth? What are your sexual histories with each other and alone. If this is your problem, is it having an effect on him and making him feel that he is “too old for sexuality?’ Or is he feeling anxious about what goes you between you and him emotionally, especially when he see’s you PMSing. How do you emotionally interact and disagree and argue? You see…. lots of questions. It would be disrespectful if I jumped into your head with my dirty feet given the vague description of your circumstances.
I am sorry not to be able to answer your question in greater detail, but inhibited sexual desire, ( if this is what you guys are suffering with… hard to know ) is a very complicated disorder which must be teased out by a skilled clinician. Consider a consultation with a sex therapist… This is the only way you are going to get to the bottom of what’s troubling you. You are entitled to have your old self back. But what did that old self look like sexually? Sorry for not being of greater assistance.
hi doc. Pinhas,
when i read this blog i almost thought this is what happening with me too. but there are some differences that me and my husband have 10 years age gap. My husband is 34 and i`m 24 now. whenever we have to do something we have opposite thinking. when he say Yes i say No. Most of the time we keep arguing. every conversation ends up in fight. Therefore we could not make love from past a year. i was pregnant last year and i have four months old baby. we have no attraction left for my each other. sometimes he just kiss my forehead and that is all. whenever i see him i lose my temper. i do not want to talk to him at all. Is something wrong with me?
in both situation i really think the problem is major. although i am not married i’m pretty sure that sex is an important factor in a marriage because it proves that there is still an attraction between the weds and i doubt there can be marriage without love and attraction.
there might be an early issue at the base of that problem of why one may not want to have intercourse with the other but i really think that that could resolved.
i mean you wouldn’t get married to someone if no feelings or attractions were felt in the first place. so there has to be something that happened for that attraction to fade away between two people.
Maybe the problem could also be a deep secret that one refuses to reveal to the other or a certain discomfort that could cause one to be scared to tell the other what is wrong. like for example a husband could be scared to tell his wife that he cannot get an erection because of his age or another health issue.
or if one is feeling disgusted or repulsed by something the other one is doing; like a bad habit during intercourse or another bad experience.
i really think the key to that problem is communication because if there is not an honest conversation regarding that issue there will never be a solution.
S.S
Sexual desire to me is both physical and mental. This is a very strange issue and as you stated Dr. Pinhas, “the issue is far more complicated,” than the writer knows. However, from the surface, it seems that some of the basic ideals of a marriage have been forsaken. What happened to the marriage vow? Didn’t both people promised to be there for each other thru “sickness and health.” This woman is suffering from abandonment and lack of love (whether or not she wants to believe it). Genuine love and care should make her husband want to have intimacy. After all, intimacy and desires are a natural part of a relationship between partners.
Wasn’t it sexual desire that produced the offspring, the baby? Something seems very wrong with this picture. Is there an unattractiveness that exists as a result of the birth of the baby? If so, why isn’t the husband expressing these thoughts? While, I have no clinical background regarding this complicated disorder, I can’t seem to imagine what could allow someone to want to have hugs and kisses from one’s partner but does not have the desire for more intimate relations. Is there no arousal and deeper desire from those kisses and hugs? Are there no memories of those passions that once drew them together to the point of wanting to spend their lives together? Is there no care from the husband that his wife has sexual desires and the emotional hurt he has created from this sexual deprivation? These are comments based on the general and non-specific of the wife’s comments. Please note that my point of view is not meant to be judgmental but rather to attempt to examine the speculated issues as I assume them to be.
Undoubtedly, I too think consultation not only with a sex therapy is an emergency in this marriage but also consultation with a qualified counselor or a pastor is also urgently needed. It is my wish that this couple will be able to resolve their issues and regain their love for each other. (Hint: I wonder if this is a case of the husband being in the closet).
Every long-term couple has their active periods and dry spells. Anything longer than two months without mutually-satisfying physical intimacy, aside from known serious physical illness, required a more thorough discussion of what is wrong and what is needed to improve it. Too old at 40? No one should accept that as an honest and full explanation. The average 40-year-old man masturbates at least four times per week, and would like to have sex at least three times per week. He’s definitely not too old to share regualar and frequent physical intimacy with the woman he loves and desires. Past some point, it may not be salvageable, but likely it is if both want it to be. Keep at it.