Hi Dr. Pinhas,
I found your blog while searching the web for help with some romantic issues I’ve been having.
I’m currently involved in a really loving relationship that’s going on two years but our sex life has decreased to almost nothing as of late.
After much time analyzing myself and my feelings, I realized that I have always used sex as a way to release stress and anger(almost like it was a way of punishing myself or taking my anger out on someone else). My experiences were always ones where I had complete control. I guess I relied on that time to feel things that I craved deeply, even though when all was said and done, I felt really bad about myself(because it felt meaningless). I’m assuming this is because I was never with anyone who really respected and loved me or who I really loved or respected. I should also mention that the encounters I was having were on the kinky side.
Flash forward to my current relationship, it’s like my body or mind are turned off by the idea of actually “making love” with someone who loves me unconditionally instead of embarking on some raunchy kinky escapade with someone who is not “for me”.
I’m feeling really detached from my boyfriend because I don’t ever want to have sex. I’m really uncomfortable with asking him to try some new things because the one time I asked him to try something I like, he started to laugh, I started to cry, and that was that. He also initiates sex in a way that turns me off. Then It just gets uncomfortable and weird.
I know he hasn’t had as much experience as I have and it makes me feel really bad and dirty to be wanting the things I want. But I can’t seem to figure out how to enjoy sex without my go-to pleasures like talking dirty and being a little rough with one another.
I’m definitely attracted to him, we love each other and have a good relationship. So, I’m wondering if you have any advice as to what I can do get him to try new things, how I should go about telling him what I want(which embarrasses me), or maybe something I can do to salvage our sex life? I have started to fantasize about other people and though I would never act on those fantasies, it’s making me feel overwhelmingly guilty. I’ve got to do something about this :(
Thank you for taking the time to read this! Any advice you have to share would be greatly appreciated!
I also don’t mind if you share this on your blog(wasn’t sure if I should email or leave a comment on a post), but I would like to remain anonymous if that’s alright.
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Hi S
Getting close to someone in an intimate way can bring forth some big surprises. Typically when a woman feels closer and more merged with her man, the more comfortable she is in letting go sexually because they are no longer separate individuals in those sexual encounters, but rather they merge together in the service of pleasure. They feel safe enough to explore their deepest erotic longings. This is not the case for you. When the guy did not love, care or respect you, you felt the freedom to let it rip sexually with the notion that no one could evaluate you negatively because you were emotionally disconnected from those unloving but highly charged sexual relationships, as if, loves got nothing to do with it. As it turns out, you felt bad about yourself in the aftermath when you were in self-observation mode. Clearly it seems you’ve always wanted love and respect in your life. You TOLD yourself you had complete control in those raunchy kinky sexual escapades because “what’s love got to do with it” No love, no respect…. just the pure fantasy of letting go with one’s erotic masochistic fantasies….. Even though, I know you did not mention the nature of the kinkiness, I suspect BDSM themes loom large…. This is quite normal in young woman.
Now here you are with a guy you really care for and the sexuality between the two of you goes FLAT almost as if his loving you feels undeserving and too “vanilla”. It appears that when you are in love, you cannot harness your erotic underpinnings of angry and hurt eroticism. You are too ashamed to let your fantasies run wild particularly in the face of his laughter.( I do not suspect he is rejecting you but rather he is anxious about the eroticism that you bring forth and does not know what to do with it.) You need to express your “go-to pleasures of talking dirty” etc. You are stuck in a place which is strangling your sexuality. What does he think about why there is no sex with you? Ask him what he thinks is going on? You are soooo anxious about showing him the sexual side of you for fear that he will reject you as a “slut”. You need to let the “slutty” side of you emerge because this is the integration of your sexual and loving parts. This is a critical stage for all couples to reach in an honest and real relationship.
I would suggest that the two of you go to MOJOUPGRADE.COM. This is an interactional website that allows couples to discover what each one wants in their sex lives. I think you can bypass a lot of anxiety in using this free, very cool, web tool “to help couples discover and expand their shared sexual interests while avoiding embarrassment and awkwardness”.
Hope this helps.
I never heard of mojoupgrade.com before. It’s fantastic. For a couple who care for each other, they should be able to even scroll-down the list of fantasies linked to the introduction page, without using the interactive and protective/concealing features of the survey.
S has a difficult situation. If she strongly desires something as simple as spanking him or being spanked, and he can’t bring himself to do that, it’s a definite indicator that they may lack compatibility. Similarly, if after telling him several times the kind of things he may say outloud to heighten her pleasure during sex, and the best he can do is a half-hearted repeat-after-me exercise with no elaboration or expansion using his own creativity and his own words, that may indicate a lack of sexual compatibility.
There are a lot of things that I just don’t get, like one girlfriend who wanted to play that she was a sex slave kept in the basement, or another who really enjoyed having me put a ball-gag on her. However, it was clear to me that these were the things that flipped their switches, so I obliged and enjoyed pleasing them. We each have our own kinks, and he has to at least make a good-faith effort. As you point out, S has to be clear that the things she’s suggesting are things she needs to be feel fully pleased and satisfied.
In addition to identifying ideas or experiences that they want to explore, it also may help build trust to identify the things that are absolutely off-limits. A woman who says that the only things off-limits for her in our sexual play are corpses, animals, children, and unwilling participants is probably too adventurous for me. My list is a bit longer, but finding these things out is essential to moving forward as a couple.