I’m a gay man and have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year. We have not practiced safe sex for the majority of our relationship. I feel that we are in a place in our relationship where I can honestly say I trust that he isn’t or won’t sleep around. However, I always hear negative stories of how people infect their partners with STDs, HIV, etc. Can you ever REALLY trust someone when it comes to sex and your sexual relationship?
D.M.
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Hi D. I’m not posting your name because it was unclear whether you wanted anonymity. The answer to your question is a tough one. Ideally, we need to be able to trust a partner. As time goes by in a relationship, we fall into a comfort with our partners based upon shared history together which builds trust and intimacy. As you indicate, this is the stage you are in with your partner. This usually leads safe sex practices astray. But as a matter of self protection, to guard against any partner indiscretion for whatever reason, whether it be an emotionally complicated one or a mere sex buddy, one should always practice safe sex. This goes for gays as well as straights. This should be a given of any relationship, just like consistently using some form of contraception to prevent pregnancy should be the given for straight couples as well.
When women go to the gynecologist, pro forma, they are tested for all STD’s regardless of what they tell their OB/GYN. These doctors do not presume that ” Oh this woman tells me she is in a monogamous relationship…. let’s just assume she’s correct and not test her.” They always err on the side that life is always filled with complications and narratives that could lead to an infection in their patient. You’ve indicated that you have heard stories of gay men infecting their partners. We’ve all heard stories of betrayal, indiscretions, surprises in both straight and gay couples. There is nothing new here.
I would suggest that you speak honestly and openly with your trusted partner and explain that perhaps using safe sex practices ought to be incorporated into your sexmaking. Your partner might freak out, thinking that your suggestion for safe sex at this time indicates that you are fooling around with others and you feel guilty and want to protect him. Make it perfectly clear that this suggestion NOW is a protection for both of you because “heh, ya never know” where life might take both of you in the future. I would explain that having unsafe sex, however much you love him and trust him, feels tooooo risky from an intellectual level for both of you. Separate and apart from what you believe practicing safe sex means in a committed relationship ( oh he is cheating on me), consider it means ( we are being reasonable and responsible with no questions asked). You then have freedom to love and trust without fear.
Let me know your thoughts
Something people need to realize is that 80% of the adult population has some form of herpes. Yet it’s so baffling how people stigmatize the virus.
Many people have this virus without even knowing they do. Regular routine STD testing does not cover herpes, it needs to be requested.
Also genital and oral STDS are basically the same exact virus, they are just infected on the different part of the body.
Herpes can be transmitted through drinks, kisses and physical non-sexual contact as well.
So this virus isn’t really about “trust”…
A. I hear you but the thrust of D’s question is really not about STD”S per se but rather the issue of trust. OF course you can get herpes simplex I so many different ways that it doesn’t mean that your partner is “cheating” on you. Herpes simplex II since it is genital and is primarily spread through sexual contact basically indicates that some form of “indiscretion” has taken place. Read my blog asnwer on HSVI:The Cunnlingus Infection Connection.
The relationship this man has with his boyfriend sounds wonderful, and I think it’s great that you two feel you can trust eachother. However, I can’t help but think that although you two are monogamous, were you two virgins before encountering eachother? Although there may be tremendous trust and faith in this relationship, do you know your partner’s sexual history? Have either of you been tested for STI’s? If not, it could actually be a great bonding experience. Getting tested, like Dr. Pinhas stated, may make your partner believe YOU’RE the one fooling around, but in reality it’s a great way to feel at ease with yourself and eachother when being intimate.
safe sex must be practiced at all times to prevent us from having stds.
I feel you should build your trust up by openly sharing each other’s thoughts on how you feel with one another and express any issues that you may feel so that you guys can reassure your feelings for one another. That way there is nothing to hide and you can just enjoy your relationship without having those negative trust issue thoughts. i use to get worried about other relationships that ive seen on tv, where one partner cheats and then their relationship is complete chaos. however ive come to learn that not everyone is like that and thinking negative that your partner will cheat is a waste of an emotion when you could be happy and enjoying your partner. As for being safe from std’s, your never really safe from std’s unless your practicing safe sex. So either way if you trust your partner or not, there is still a high risk for catching something.
Remember, even in a honest and loving and “monogamous” relationship, there may be underlying STIs that your partner is not aware he has! (I venture again back to my comment about how I was infected with HPV by a guy who didn’t even know he had it). It’s true that most STIs cause physical symptoms that make the fact that you or your partner has something going on below the belt clear, but the honest to god truth is that sometimes people just don’t know. A genital wart can look like a birthmark, diffuse pelvic pain can be assumed to be gas rather than pain from an infection, HPV shows no symptoms and people with HIV can go undiagnosed for years without realizing anything is wrong let alone telling their partners!
For your own sake, and your partner’s sake, I think it’s time to have a heart to heart about at least getting tested regularly.. preferably also finding a common ground on the use of devices to prevent the transmission of STIs. You owe it to yourself to respect your body; this is the only one you get.
It’s great to have trust in a relationship. To feel like someone is honest with you is the best feeling in the world and knowing they can trust you mankes you feel secure and safe, but I have to agree with the comment posted above me. Even though you are in a momogamous relationship it is important that you both are tested for for STD’s before practicing unprotected sex. Your partner may only be sleeping with you, but there is a chance that he may have a disease and not even know about it. You can catch diseases in other ways, not just by having sex with someone. Practicing safe sex will help prevent you from catching an STD and spreading it to the people you care the most about.
Trust is key in a relationship but protection is key in sex. My friend had slept with her previous boyfriend not too long after they broke up and after she got HPV. Even though my previous boyfriend and I were both virgins when we were together, after we broke up, he had made out with a girl who had oral herpes, so even if I trust him that he didn’t get herpes, I trust a condom a lot more.