Rapid Ejaculation: Premature Conclusions

Dear Dr. Valerie Pinhas,

First of let me start off by saying I don’t know where to begin. So I’m just going to tell you what I know and hopefully you can tell me what you know. And that of course would hopefully make my life easier

My name is Matt I’m a nearly 28 year old man. I’ve only attempted sex with one person on 3 occasions when I was about 24 years old and will lets just say things where less then satisfying.  The longest I lasted was 5 maybe 7 minutes. Besides being embarrassing, it was extremely disappointing for both of us.  Needless to say she left me because I wasn’t satisfying her.   I’ve researched different things about premature ejaculation and how to last longer in bed reading up and even sometimes even trying to find a solution from creams to pills to exercises to even trying to convince myself it’s all in my head and wasn’t really happening.   I’ve heard on several different occasions that sex gets better with use or so to speak the more you do it the better and easier it becomes which would be fine but I can’t put my self in the situation.   I need to be in to in order to “practice” so I try and practice alone this of course is the same results.   I end up causing my self to climax with in 3mins on average so because of this I’m afraid to even attempt sex with someone because I know it wont be satisfying for her. Someone also suggested try not trying for a while and maybe it’ll make you less sensitive or something I’m running out of ideas –not to mention  nobody wants to be a 40 year old virgin and nobody wants to work with one either.   So this is my dilemma– any and all information you can give to please help me with this problem would be a blessing to have .

Thank you very much for your time and understanding with this matter I truly hope to hear form you soon.

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Matt,

I can hear the anxiety in your email and how desperate you are in trying to find a solution to your “problem”.  This type of anxiety may be exacerbating your problem.   Let me start with a definition of rapid ejaculation which used to be called premature ejaculation. It is the failure to control the ejaculatory mechanism…. it is the inability to recognize the signals before the point of no return.  I like the term rapid ejaculation better because the term “premature” raises a lot of questions….. premature to her having an orgasm?  You might very well last for a substantial period of time but if she doesn’t climax before you, does that make you a premature ejaculator?  I think not.  This is an old urban myth that men must stay in control until their woman “comes” first.  It is thoughtful for a guy to consider his partner’s erotic needs but not at his expense. But please this statement does not give you license to become a narcissistic “world according to me” sort of dude…..  I think we have enough  of these dudes in the world today.  LOL.

As I have stated many times over in various blog posts, only 25-50% of women have orgasm from sexual intercourse, so by definition most men would be perpetual rapid ejaculators if they waited for the typical woman to orgasm from SI.  In so many cases she could stand on her head and spit wooden nickels, but the vaginal orgasm brought to her by your treasured turgid member won’t be possible for Ms. beloved. ( See my blog posts on female orgasm)

You say that the first time you were sexual with your first girlfriend it took you 5-7 minutes to ejaculate.  My dear, I know you do not have a basis for comparison but for a sexual novice  5-7 minutes of ejaculatory control is quite good. You say that she left you because she was sexually unsatisfied.  This is seldom the reason why women leave men.  Without really knowing you, I would venture to guess that the reason she left you was more about how you experienced your anxiety about your rapid ejaculation rather than your rapid ejaculation.  Follow me here for a moment.  Your email to me  had no punctuation….. it was one long run away sentence.  As you notice, I put the periods in place in order to make your question readable. It seems to me that the way you phrased your question in a rapid fire run away sentence format is more than likely the way you come off in a relationship– anxious and insecure. Hint, hint….. your rapid ejaculation may be a symptom of your anxiety about not feeling good about yourself– an issue of adequacy and self-esteem.  In turn, this anxiety compounds your rapid ejaculation and makes it worse which then makes you feel like the “biggest loser”, and we aint talkin weight loss.   This is probably why she left you….. because of the way you experience yourself as a guy who has no self confidence and cogency.  Women like men who are solidified in character, not men whose molecules are percolating due to  the temperature of escalating anxiety.  I am positive that it is hard to see this aspect of yourself. What really may be troubling you is your fear of NOT being able to “come”— so you PUSH it and are totally unaware of this dynamic.   You need to breath deeply.  Your anxiety about all sorts of external and internal stressors is turning you into a rapid ejaculator and your rapid ejaculation is making you ever more anxious which is what women are responding to.  They are not responding to your RAPID EJACULATION.  Just chill, my man.

Now you say in your question that when you masturbate you cause yourself to “come” within 3 minutes.  This is after years with tremendous anxiety? Correct?  Matt, I don’t think you know how decent and appropriate your sexual response is.  Your ejaculatory timing is really really good for all the fear and worry you seem to be going through.

I think the first question I would like to ask you is whether you feel the sense of ejaculatory inevitability… like any second you are going to come, before you get to the point of no return ( you are going to emit semen NOW!).   If you feel the feelings before the point of no return this is a good thing…. we have a starting point to work with.  But I suspect you are so anxious about your sexual performance and wanting to be “the man” and feeling the responsibility of orchestrating and controlling the sexual scene, that you are tuned out to what the late Helen Singer Kaplan called “sensory awareness”.  I have many a patient so locked up on their performance and desire to be a good lover that they neglect their own erotic awareness– the feelings of allowing themselves to be in the full erotic moment– just feeling the erotic feelings without fear, worry and tension.

You need to stay in control of your erotic feelings when you are deeply aroused.. you do not need creams, pills, lotions and potions, condoms and whatever else you are doing to avoid intense pleasure.  Since you do not have a partner, you can practice some sex therapy homework by yourself which will help you build your confidence without the re-emergence of your fears and worries.   It is critical for you to do your self -work consistently- 2-3 times per week is ideal.  You will be doing a self- version of what Dr. James Seamen called the “start-stop method”.

Begin to masturbate in your favorite way and concentrate your mind’s eye on your  genital sensations through masturbatory intentionality…… see how it feels to experience pleasure…… if you feel you are getting too aroused on a scale of 1-10…. a 6, let’s say….. just slow down and gently lightly allow yourself to caress your penis and scrotal sac with a comforting touch…. no masturbatory intentionality.  Just  relax for about 1  minute…. until the arousal dissipates.  Then start again.  Do this start stop 2-3 times.  When you feel your arousal rising to a 6 on a scale of 1-10.. slow down again….until you stop and check out for another minute.   Let the arousal subside and then start back up.  On your 4th time let it rip and notice the feelings you get right before you ejaculate. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to come.      This start-stop method that I have just described is basically a protoype of what I would do in the office with you, modified to your own personal resistances to the homework.  It is amazing to see how humans can get in their own way and place all sorts of obstacles to achieving the sexual satisfaction they so desire.

Matt, I hope this helps.  It is difficult to describe what needs to be done when you are on the other side of a computer screen…. But we do the best we can under the circumstances.   I want to reiterate that what you describe in your question, sounds like a SELF-FULFILLING prophecy.  You do not seem like a native rapid ejaculator but your fierce anxiety is doing you in and you need a fresh start.  Let me know your thoughts after you read this.  Anyone else care to comment?