hello Dr. V
my boyfriend is begging me to have anal sex. but i personally feel a > bit uncomfortable about it. after giving it a long thought, i came > to realize that it wouldnt be too bad. while we were having > intercourse he “Accidentally” slipped his penis in my “fundament”. > prof, the pain was unbearable and he didn’t put the whole penis in > there. no later than 4hrs after, i had to use the bathroom. after i > wiped myself i noticed i was bleeding. but it wasnt red blood. i > freaked out. how do u feel about anal sex?
thank you,
Beauty
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Hi Beauty,
Anal intercourse is a choice behavior ( not unlike other sexual behaviors) for both hetersexual couples and gay couples. If you and your honey are game and understand what you are doing, there should little or no problems. First of all, that he accidentially put his penis in your rectum seems highly unlikely. ( It’s like the child who tells mommy that the pen accidentally wrote on the white couch). You guys needed to really talk about this before hand so you could at least make it pleasurable for you. Because you reported extreme pain, I can only imagine that he wasn’t a bit wet except from whatever lubrication came from your vagina. This is a NO NO!. Your rectal mucosa has no natural lubricants and as a result intial entry into the anus will be painful, accompanied by the feeling of having to have a bowel movement. ( If your bowels are empty, you don’t have to worry about incontinence, but you don’t allow him to re-enter your vagina if he isn’t wearing a condom because he will undoubedly bring E-coli bacteria into you causing a whopping vaginal infection.) A guy must always use a water soluble lubricant ( no vaseline please; we do not want a yeast infection in our butts!). Otherwise, without both of you using water soluble lubricant, you will most likely tear rectal tissue, get hemorrhoids, and have anal fissures. As it is, you’ve already had rectal bleeding ( it seems to have been dried blood because it wasn’t red). None of these conditions is lovely and welcomed. My assumption is that your beaux is HIV negative and HPV negative. At least I hope so, because anal intercourse is the prime sexual behavior that HIV can easily be transmitted. The rule of thumb for transmission of HIV is blood to blood and semen to blood. If he tears your rectal tissue with penetration, the virus can get into your bloodstream through the tears in your rectal tissue. You know that all of the STD’s can be avoided with use of latex condoms….although HPV is another matter, and the topic of another blog….
How to make this erotic for you is important. From what you have communicated, he is really dying to anally penetrate you and you are trying to figure out how to accomodate him. How about you get something out of this as well? I am a firm believer in two people getting pleasure during sexual activity. You need to be soooo sexually aroused during this act. When he penetrates you anally, he must go slowly and steadily and take verbal feedback from you about forging ahead. The feeling of having a bowel movement will pass once he is inside of you ( Don’t forget the lubricant!). It would be a lovely thing, if at the same time, he stimulates your clitoris ( or you can do this yourself.) You should have an intense orgasm if you are erotically open and actively engaged in a sexual fantasy. For many women who are on the verge of having a clitoral orgasm but just cannot get there, anal penetration with a finger can usually push them over the top into orgasm land.
If you continue to feel miserable during anal intercourse, YOU SHOULD STOP. Sex is not suppose to be for just one gender. Remember about the STD/HIV potential so think about using a condom for anal intercourse as well as vaginal intercourse.
thank you sooo much prof. very enlightening
you are welcome.
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I’ve been through this several times with different girls, I guess in as much for in enjoyment as for enlightening themselves and myself to different sensation. As far as I’m concerned, your explanation was perfect for what does commonly occur.
I’ve found that the only way to truly convince the girl that it is worth a try is to use a lot of lubrication. Allow me to express that I have tried prostate stimulation so I do have sympathy, and without lubrication it fucking hurts. Also, it is above all necessary to wait until the girl is fully consenting. By that I mean, not just saying “Yes I’m ready” just to please the guy, but really physically secure and confident enough that they’d actually conceivably enjoy trying something different.
In the end, the girl will undoubtedly find out how they feel about it, but like I would definitely like to convey: as long as you’re not risking your life, why not try everything once? And I do believe that there are a small population that actually prefer it to vaginal penetration.
All one really needs to remember is: it should never hurt, if it does, you’re doing something wrong. Use more lube, yes, liberally, yes half the fucking bottle.
anonymous. Thank you.
Does anyone have any idea what position is the most comfortable for a female trying anal sex? I’m not interested in finding out what men find most excitng from a giving standpoint; I’m more interested in finding out what is easiest for a woman to take, escpeially because the guy is very well endowed. Dr. Pinhas, I see that in your blog you say that if lubricant is used there should be little to no problem, but from what I have experienced and from everything I have heard, it can be really painful even if lubricant is used. Is there a way to minimize this?
Hey L! A few ideas about anal sex between a female and a male… I find that personally, especially for the first time with a new partner, anal sex is most comfortable for me in a “missionary” style position or a “woman on top” position. In the latter, I have complete control over how deeply I allow him to enter me (and how quickly), which sets my mind at ease. I find that “doggie style” allows deeper penetration, which for the first time (or second or third) can be too much for me. When anal sex is painful, it can be for a few reasons-
1) the woman is not relaxed enough to allow herself to breathe and enjoy the sensations. In this case, I would recommend what works for me… when my guy goes down on me for awhile, getting me really turned on, and starts slowly slipping a finger or two into my “backdoor”, while continuing cunnilingus. This allows my body to relax and get used to the sensation of penetration before he tries it with his penis, which is generally much larger. Analingus, if you’re not opposed to it and you take proper precautions, can be a wonderful relaxation tool as well.
2) the woman and the man are not communicating well enough for her to get her point across about how quickly or slowly he should be going, especially when first entering. You must, MUST listen to her. And you generally must go veryyy slowly. Women have two sets of muscular sphincters to pass through.. one which is under her control, and one which is not. Only deep breathing and relaxation will allow this second sphincter to calm down and let you in. Take it slow! There is no rush! She may need you to pause momentarily every couple of millimeters or centimeters while you are entering, and I understand this can be frustrating, but if you do not do so you are risking hurting her, tearing through her delicate anal tissue, and never having a chance to do it again. So trust me, LISTEN to what she says.
3) not enough lube. I can’t stress this enough. If you think you have enough.. it’s probably not enough. Put some more on that penis! And I would also say it’s helpful if while following step one (cunnilingus with anal stimulation), you really lube up your fingers well and get some extra lube inside of her before you start trying to have sex.
4) experiement with positions. Not everything feels good to everyone.
5) determine if this is something she really wants, rather than something she feels she “must” do. If anal sex is desired on both ends, and the above steps are followed, you two will definitely find your groove eventually. It takes trust, patience and communication. I personally will not have anal intercourse with someone I’ve dating until we’ve been having vaginal intercourse for a few months and I know I am truly comfortable with and trusting of them, and that they will listen to me. Some people, I just won’t do it with at all. In the end, the most important thing is to lube up well and take your time!
**PS: If she really doesn’t want it, DO NOT ever coerce her into it. Ever. No matter how badly you want it. If you love her, deal with it. If not, find someone who will enjoy it with you. Bottom line: if she says no, stop. I mean that.