Dr. Pinhas,
I was hoping that maybe you could help or direct me in the right path to take. I am a 24 year old female. I am having some sexual difficulty reaching an orgasm. Is this normal? I was never able to reach one with my last boyfriend. I realized he wasn’t the one for me and thought that maybe that had something to do with it. I am not the type of girl that sleeps around. I only have sex when I am in a relationship.I am with a new boyfriend several months and have stronger feelings for him that I ever did for anyone else before. For some reason, I am just not able to still climax. I really would appreciate your advice on what I should do. Thank you!
Response from Dr. Pinhas
So many readers have asked me questions, like the one above, that I have decided that it is time to do a specific blog on the problems in achieving female orgasm and some self-help techniques to help in getting there.
Many young women have problems achieving orgasm with a partner. I consider this developmentally normal especially when they have not discovered orgasm from their own masturbation. Young girls who do not masturbate have a harder time figuring out the feelings that are being generated from their genitalia when they do couple with a partner compared to the girls that have discovered masturbation to orgasm. They have no prior experience about what an orgasm feels like so they flounder around directionless with no biological GPS to guide them. Eventually most women, after many years, will arrive at the orgasm destination some with great personal anxieties and costs. Many do not know that their clitoris is a source of pleasure for them, let alone know how to touch their clitoris. ( The vagina and G-spot is typically not the source of orgasm for most women, so fingering a girl may be worse than useless–they become sore and turned off). For many young women who have never reached orgasm with themselves, earlier in their adolescent lives, reaching partner related orgasm, takes a lot of sexual practice with a special “loved” other who has the curiosity, patience, desire and dedication to please his woman. It is not unusual for women to work on orgasm tasking with a partner for over one year. (This is an enormous undertaking for young men, who struggle with their own sexual anxieties about performance while expected to have mastered the art of masturbating a woman or performing cunnilingus on them. WOW, what pressure for guys!!!!! Guys have anxiety fantasies about ” so many folds of skin to negotiate; such unfamiliar terrain in a tiny genital geographic area; the smallest movement in a different direction with fingers or tongue, derails the building of sexual arousal i.e. what if she doesn’t give feedback or seek help from him…not easy at all).
Many young adolescent girls, in this day and age of “sexual enlightenment” ( which is a MYTH–much sexual exposure but little enlightenment), still do not masturbate. They confuse sexual arousal via masturbation with the fear of being labelled a “SLUT”. You might presume that female masturbation in America is as ubiquitous as McDonald’s Golden Arches but you would be DEAD wrong. ( However, male masturbation is rampant after early adolescence and continues to remain so through the developmental life cycle even when males are happily coupled…. The guys have it “going on” in spite of interfering mothers/nagging girlfriends, religiosity or even locust, famine and plague…lol) .
As a general rule, young early adolescent females, regardless of the generation that they were raised in, regardless of the exposure to sexual stimuli via the internet and culture at large, still conform to the gender role expectations thrust upon them by society. The noted sociologist John Gangnon in the early 1970’s summed it up this way: Men are prisoners of sex and women are prisoners of love. These gender roles regarding sexuality encourages young boys to explore their budding sexuality. They have the freedom and cultural permission that allows them the potential to feel sexual desire and pursue sexual activity with little guilt and shame. The culture expects sexual pursual from boys and men. That does not mean they abandon their performance anxiety fears around penile adequacy, erections, and other ejaculatory concerns –factors that will continue to be a source of concern).
The societal narrative for young girls is different. They are programmed to be satisfied with heterosexual relationships imbued with love, sun, moon, stars and romance. Coolness, in young girls is not derived from how horny she feels between her legs and whether she has figured out how to increase the sexual arousal for herself by masturbating. ( As a matter of fact, the 15-30% of young girls who have accidentally discovered masturbation for themselves, would go to the grave with this “secret sin” rather than acknowledge it to their peers, whereas boys proudly goof and rank on themselves and others about “rubbing one out”). A lot of time is spent by girls in figuring out how to become socially popular, pretty, cool, and attractive to guys. No one wants to be a loser. No one wants to be on the outside looking in. Girls do not talk openly about their sexual lust, if in fact they understand and feel genital lust at such a tender young age. Many do not so there is no urge to touch themselves in a sexual way. Young girls are confronted with a paradox. They must seem somewhat sexually sophisticated to others in order to be cool while being sexually pure at best and discrete at worst. The cultural goal for girls is how to become a central valued player in their peer group without being seen as a “SLUT.” This paradox is cruel to young girls who are sexual with boys at young ages. Young adolescent culture is becoming increasing vicious to girls calling them SLUTS when they cross the border of what is considered to be the “new” sexually normal. This “new ” sexual norm suggests the following…. You need to dress sexy, look sexy, act sexy, text sexy, talk sexy and do sexy but not FEEL a genital sexuality. Heaven forbid your persona broadcasts this too loudly with too many guys and you get a reputation that will follow you and corrode your self-esteem. Many young girls give it up to their boyfriends because doing sex for them makes them feel loved and accepted. Few , if any of these girls, in the process of having sex with their boyfriends, actually discover the joy of an orgasm. ( Many adult women with major sexual experience do not have orgasm via sexual intercourse either). Their PLEASURE is irrelevant. Teenagers do not have the time, patience, tenderness, concern for their partner, and general sense of RELATEDNESS to actually work on the communication necessary to achieve orgasm, a backdrop for sexual dysfunction.
There are individual reasons, as well that prevent women from reaching orgasm. These include: poor technique on the part of their partner; little knowledge of one’s sexual apparatus and how it functions; faking orgasm so that further communication which might correct the problem becomes problematic; performance anxiety problems which include unrealistic expectations about women “coming” from sexual intercourse in 10 to 20 minutes ( only 25% do, no matter what sexual position and how long their partner thrusts inside of them); how long it takes for a woman to come from clitoral stimulation which then forecloses on the ability to relax and let sexual pleasure build; anxiety about vaginal smell and taste when partners are going down on them; sexually acting “as if”, which means watching oneself be sexual rather than actually being in the experience of being sexual; being sexually abused by another which makes sexual arousal threatening; feeling guilt and shame for sexual thoughts and feelings; being raised in a sexually negative home where emotionally responsive and loving role models were not available, or sexually provocative role models who encouraged overt sexuality, inappropriate to the developmental needs of the child; having fears that a partner will abandon them if they merge in the service of pleasure, by “letting go”, such that holding on to oneself and not having an orgasm is self-protective; not trusting that one’s partner really loves and adores them, so that “letting go” feels threatening; sexual orientation issues where one insists on heterosexual functioning when homoerotic desires are more in focus; having no desire for sexual pleasure which forecloses on any sexual arousal that might be possible if one had the openness for the potential for sexual activity. This list is not exhaustive. For each individual woman the reasons that orgasm remain elusive depends on a variety of factors which have to be determined be a sexual consultation with a professional.
From a self-help prospective, if a woman has primary anorgasmia ( she has never had an orgasm but has a desire to seek out a sexual partner), the first step would be to work on having an orgasm through self- masturbation. A good vibrator is a first start but one that is clitorally oriented, runs on electricity ( plug -in) and not battery generated phallic shaped. The RPM of vibrator movements cannot be duplicated by human fingers and tongue. There is no negotiation with one’s sex toy except for how you position it on your genitalia and it is totally under a woman’s control, all factors positively prognostic to orgasm capacity. Do not put the vibrator directly on the head of your clitoris which will cause extreme overstimulation and discomfort but rather position it on the clitoral hood off to the left or right side of the above the shaft of the clitoris. Make sure you have positioned the vibrator on the clitoral hood using it in a downward circular motion. This will allow pleasure to build arousal slowly and consistently. Turn your mind off of mundane, anti-sexual fantasy thoughts of daily activities. If you can replace these thoughts with erotic one’s, all the better. You can use visual erotica to increase arousal while using your vibrator. Once you have achieved orgasm via machine, switch to your fingers but remember to use a water soluble lubricant on your finger so as not to irritate yourself. No doubt using your fingers will take longer but it is critical to clear your mind and let erotic tension build from inside using fantasy while you deliberately build muscular tension in your body while erotic intensity is being generated in your vulva.
Having an orgasm with your partner present is a next step. A sensate focus strategy is necessary to learn to relax and let erotic tension build while expecting no demands for performance. ( see the blog on sensate focus). These exercises ultimately can incorporate the use of the vibrator as an orgasm tool as you sit between your partner’s legs and you guide your partner’s hand with your sex toy. Orgasm therapy is as varied as the people seeking the sexual therapy. One last piece of information…. Do not drive yourself crazy with trying to have an orgasm in the female-dominant position of intercourse. Most woman cannot come from their G-spot ( see earlier blog) but rather enjoy the penetration and feelings that sexual intercourse produces once they have an orgasm, manually or orally. I hope this helps you in an elementary way on your goal to self-pleasuring. Relax and enjoy!
Being a female who is familiar with this same issue, I understand the ramifications and psychological impact of not being able to climax. For a period of time, I felt that something was wrong with me because I encountered the same problem. In all of my past relationships I have solely been interested in pleasing my partner, and worrying about myself when I was alone. In my most recent relationship I got with another female who I was very attracted to sexually, physically, and mentally; which caused this complex. Now it became that I WANTED to have an orgasm with her, but I just wasn’t able to reach that point. I was puzzled by this until I read some literature on female orgasm and became wholly interested in sexual research. I learned that psychological standing and comfort has a huge effect on the pleasure of sexual experience for a female. You may feel comfortable, but mentally you might not be ready. Some women are uncomfortable with the feeling of orgasm or “letting go” because many tend to lose control, therefore feeling less confident in themselves, and keeping this “subconscious guard” up. Other women are insecure with themselves, and a woman that is uncomfortable with her body is much less likely to orgasm. It is also very easy to become distracted sexually, even though the intensity of the experience might seem to outweigh the distraction. This distraction can even be trying TOO hard to orgasm. It is very easily to go mentally astray during sex because it is an emotional process for most, and the overly analytical female will know exactly what I mean. I was very concerned with pleasing my partner, to the extent that I lost track of my own pleasure and satisfaction. This became a habit; and so did lying about orgasm, this was very unhealthy for our relationship because she felt betrayed when I eventually let the cat out the bag. I caused her to lose confidence in herself, and it became very difficult for us to have a sexual experience that didn’t involve some level of tension. Eventually; once we got past the tension, we got back into our usual sexual pattern and I had my first orgasm with her. This was only when I started focusing more on my own sexual response cycle. I was able to learn more about myself and the things that worked for me. Every woman is different, and personal sexual exploration is a very important factor in getting to the nitty gritty about the female climax.
It was not until recently that all the pieces of the puzzle began fitting together on the subject of female orgasm. It has been a long time since I discovered that I was not able to climax during intimate encounters with my sex partner. I could not understand it and therefore I just assumed that there was something very wrong with me. Most of my friends would discuss such great and powerful orgasms that they would have during intercourse; I was so ashamed that when they would ask me how sex was with my boyfriend, I would lie. I became so consumed with trying to orgasm that intercourse no longer was pleasurable. It was not until I took Dr. Pinhas’s Human Sexuality class that I came to understand why I could not orgasm vaginally. It’s nice to know that there is a reason behind the lack of an active G-Spot. Yet recently with my current BF I did climax during vaginal intercourse. I totally forgot about everything around me, became relaxed and stopped focusing on trying to have a vaginal orgasm. It was the first time since I became sexual active. I do find however that my G-Spot is not always active. At times I find that my G-Spot is more sensitive than other times throughout the month. I do not know if there is a particular reason for this but I take it as it comes I guess. Perhaps I am more relaxed than others. Occasionally I am still a little self conscious with myself and my performance because my BF is a bit older and more experienced. I find the amount of women he has been with intimidating and like I have something to prove. Although he has assured me that I have nothing to worry about, at times I am a bit apprehensive which in turn I believe affects how pleasurable sex can be.
I believe that many women do actually masturbate but are afraid to share their experience. Women have this notion that it is more socially acceptable for a guy to talk about “rubbing one out”. Ladies, a man doesn’t know what you want, until are aware of what you like sexually. So for any woman trying to figure how to reach an orgasm, they should know what turns them on and off. I was also very inspired by the quote you used in your blog ”Men are prisoners of sex and women are prisoners of love.” I believe that this quote is a valid depiction of both men and women and sometimes during sex women choose to fake their climax to feed to their man’s egos. Instead, partners should figure what the other person enjoys. Women actually like being aroused instead of faking it. Even though women may be more in touch with their emotional side, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be pleasured.
You like many other females experience this dilemma during sex but there is a way to enhance your sex life and your ability for climaxing through yourself and only yourself. Because of gender roles and the sexual suppression toward women throughout history, many women are not at the same sexual experience level as their male partners which leads to an unfamiliarity of their own bodies and what they would need to do in order to be pleased. For example, by age 13, 85-95% of males have already masturbated and roughly 13% of females have masturbated. Because males practice masturbation at an early age, by the time they are older and ready for sex, they know what they want in order to reach orgasm. By not exploring your own body, you do not know what you like or don’t like so you can’t explain to your partner what you want and nor can he understand what you like and that is why many females have this problem of not climaxing. It is very important to start to understand your own body before somebody else tries to do it for you because by somebody else trying for you, it takes the pleasure out of having sex. Only you can know what you like so you need to make that discovery for yourself. Not only would it be very helpful to understand your own body and what you prefer during sexual relations, it is also very important to be comfortable and trust the person that you are sharing your sexual experience with. A sexual experience is at its best when it is with someone who you trust and who trusts you. When having sex with somebody, it is important for that person to like your body however it may look. When somebody thinks that you are beautiful just the way you are, you feel beautiful and it takes away from many insecurities that you may have about yourself. When sex is with somebody who respects you and cares for you like way you care for him, it becomes very relaxing and easy to lose yourself in the moment and become one body with that person. Once sex becomes that comforting, you begin to drift away from the thought that’s been plaging your mind of not climaxing and you will see that eventually it will happen on its own because you will be in different and much better state of mind. If you truly care for the person and want to have sex with him, not for him, then it makes the sexual experience a much more relaxing and comfortable environment and much better chance for climaxing.
I wanted to respond to this post because for the past 3 years I thought something was wrong with me because I have yet to have an orgasm from sexual intercourse. All of my friends brag about how amazing it is and Im sitting there comparing it to doing laundry… I dont mind doing it but if I could avoid doing it I would. I dont get anything out of it and its always rushed so I dont always put much effort into it. My boyfriend didnt understand it either and at times would get annoyed because he didnt know how to please me and would sometimes feel guilty for wanting to have sex knowing that i dont really care for it and dont get enjoyment out of it. I told him that not many women have orgasms from the g spot and that its done through the clitoris in certain positions. Im glad that we learned about this in your class because now I dont feel like theres something wrong with me lol.
I have always had some anxiety to not being able please a girl but never was embarrassed about asking for help. Because of this all of my relationships have always had pretty good sex. There is so much in talking to your partner to make them understand what to do and what not to do to make it a good experience. I’ve
Learned that talking to my girlfriends and taking their pointers that they open up a lot sexually. It makes it much better for the guys when the female enjoys it too. Girls, tell your men what to do! You’ll be surprised what we can do with a little help.
In my opinion I think it helps to make your partner feel very comfortable with you. I’m no expert but it seems like through my experiences a woman tends to be 90% mental and 10% physical. In the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend it seemed impossible for her to reach an orgasm. As time went on and we connected on an emotional level this problem went away.
i’ve learned a lot about communication being a major aspect in successful sexual relationship with the opposite sex through your class. before this class i thought the major level of pleasure is going in and out hard which i thought worked because i didn’t get much complaints. but after speaking to my current girlfriends i learned that focus on the clitoris. I’ve also tried the sensate focus with my girlfriend and at times i break the rules but most of the time im following the step by step as hard as it is at times, and it seems to have enlightened our sexual experience.