Fellatio: Heads Up or Heads Down

Dear Dr. P

I’ve never been a fan of oral sex. I’ve only performed oral sex to my ex-bf of 3 years & even with him it took me a while to even consider doing it. Just the thought of having a penis in my mouth never really thrilled me. How can someone become more comfortable with oral sex, just in case in the future one may want to consider it? How can someone become more comfortable? My thing is I wouldn’t want the guy to become so dependent on it, that he’s always going to want it.   Mary B

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Hi M… I am going to try and give you the quick version of my response.

Fellatio, the act of manipulating a man’s penis with your mouth and tongue usually is connected to  a number of resistances in women, especially young women, your age.  Throughout my many years of teaching human sexuality, speaking to thousands of women, on an individual basis and in group format, as well as delving into the psyches’ of my female patients, I’ve coalesced the resistances into four segments.  Be aware that when I elucidate these resistances, they are not necessarily ranked in order of most to least.  The first resistance is fear of not knowing what to do to a man’s penis.  Young women in general, who are developing an identity as a “sexual self”, are extremely vulnerable to shame especially if there is a witness present ( the guy and his penis)  telling them that the way they are “giving head” is not working for him. Women would rather have their jaws wired shut rather than experience the humiliation of being told they are not sex pert at going down on a guy. As a consequence, this fear double binds a woman.  If she has no or little experience, she won’t go down on a guy which leaves her vulnerable to  her original fear of not knowing what to do, in the first place.

Mar, we already know that you would need to be in a relationship with a guy in order to go down on him.  This would be my suggestion to any women considering fellatio.  A woman needs to feel safe and secure in order to experiment on a guy’s penis. The last thing a woman needs is to have some random guy, putting his hand on her head and forcing her down on his penis. When guys do this, they are signaling her they do not care about her needs, fears or vulnerabilities; they  are signaling that only their sexual pleasure matters and counts. Women in healthy relationships, with decent fair- minded men, usually have good communication skills and thus typically do not have this problem.

Not to turn myself into the “Martha Stewart” of fellatio, (LOL), but a few techniques might help the uninformed  negotiate a man’s penis.   First of all, you must think  in your mind’s eye that his penis belongs to you.  It is not an alien creature, that will disengage from his body and chase you around the room, looking to beat you, spit on you and gag you.  The penis is your friend ( particularly if his owner is your “honey” in the truest sense of the word.   You can do what you want with it.  You have the control.  He is remarkably vulnerable when his penis is in your mouth.  ( After all you have teeth, which I am never suggesting you use in a hurtful way when you engage him orally.) You have control over how much of the penis to take into your mouth at any given time by placing your fingers around the base of his penis and holding it.  If you hold the penis with all fingers you can take only the glans penis and frenulum into your mouth.  There is no possibility of gagging  because only a small portion of the penis is in your mouth.  If you want to take in more of the penis move your thumb and index finger down the penile shaft ( while letting go the the last three digits) to take more of the penis into the mouth.

The second resistance to fellatio is the fear of gagging on a penis.  This just does not have to happen if you use the techniques I am describing.  The penis does not have to thrust up against the  back of your throat, triggering the gag reflex, if you control it in the way I just mentioned.  Good fellatio is always a combination of masturbation and fellatio.  So, when you are holding on to his penis to position it in your mouth, come up with your hand while you come down with your mouth.  Most men like their partner to use their tongue around the coronal ridge as well. You do not have to fellate him with “fellatio intentionality” which means non-stop giving him “head”.  Relax and play.   You can do a variety of techniques based upon what you want and how he communicates his preferences to you.   Surprise, surprise, each guy is different.  They have different sensitivities based upon their psyche and past fellatio experience.   One more thing, I must add.  You must BREATH.  (LOL).  I can’t begin to tell you how many women tell me they can’t breath when they go down on a guy.  The way you breath during fellatio is rather counter intuitive.  When your mouth is by the glans penis you breath IN ( so the penis is almost out of your mouth)  and when you take more of the shaft of the penis in your mouth you breath OUT.   Can you see this in your mind’s eye?

The third resistance is fear of his ejaculating into your mouth.  This is an option that the two of you must negotiate.  Nothing says that you have to have him come in your mouth. When I ask my college male students if they would have hurt feelings if she “wouldn’t accept all of him, including his semen in her mouth,” they crack up hysterically.  Most of the guys are so grateful that their girlfriends want to engage their penises orally that coming in their mouths is a no – brainer for them.  As one of my male student’s said, ” I’m happy she wants to please me like this, it truly doesn’t matter if she lets me come in her mouth.” One hint however, if you feel that he is about to ejaculate but aren’t quite sure of his timing , ask him to tell you WHEN, because you do not want to stop right at the moment of ejaculation because that might be disastrous for him.  Let him give you a “heads up” the second he is about to come ( Pun intended).  IF you are holding onto his penis, to position it, you can always continue to masturbate him, in case your timing is a little off. If you want to push up against your resistance to him coming in your mouth, try putting your favorite easily dissolving candy in your mouth while you go down on him, this should extinguish the aversive response to the taste of seminal fluid.

The fourth resistance to fellatio, is the morality issue, that is “good girls” do not go down on guys.  The frame of reference of a “good girl” is an internal value judgement.  You are not going down on the proverbial football team.!   If you are in a solid “liking-loving, above all, respectful relationship,  fellatio should be a non-issue.  If you and your partner are STD free and do not have any active HSV-I viruses ( see my blog on HSV-I and cunnilingus), you care about each others needs and want to please each other sexually, oral genital sexuality is a perfectly reasonable option in terms of sex-making.

One last issue….. Does this mean that women get turned on when going down on their men?  The answer is usually not.  Most women have a hard time making fellatio feel erotic and sexy for themselves.  Sucking a man’s penis when you are not particularly aroused will not cause arousal for you.  Going down on a boyfriend is an act of giving especially if you aren’t into it at the time.  You do it because you want to please and are a giving person.   If, however, he is going down on you  and/or you are very turned on and your clitoris is pulsating, putting his penis in your mouth and surrendering control while simultaneously and, paradoxically, I might add, controlling the sexual scene may increase your sexual arousal depending on the type of sexual fantasies that you are having at that moment.  On the contrary, the scent, texture and taste of a woman’s vulva, for  the vast majority of heterosexually experienced  men has the potential to create enormous arousal for both genders.  When I give thought to the paradox of cunnilingus, being arousing for both genders, while fellatio is mostly arousing to men,  I suspect the pheromones coming from a woman’s vulva might serve the socio-biological function of getting men “turned on” to ensure procreation of the species….. even though I know that most reading this blog want to recreate not procreate. (LOL).  By the way, this is  oral genital paradox is a hypothesis.  Anyone care to comment on this?  I’d love to hear from the informed.

Mar, I hope this helps you.