hello Dr.Pinhas
my boyfriend refused to go down on me and we talk about it. i think because of his culture he feels its nasty but he did do it once but says he won’t do it again,what would you suggest i do to change his mind,because this is not something i want to do without???????anonymity
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Studies done on the racial, religious, and educational level of men in the U.S. suggest that men of color, who have less than a high school education and are Catholic typically perform cunnilingus less on their women, than other men of differing racial , socioeconomic, religious profiles. These studies suggest that Latino men more readily go down on their women more often. Some guys from the West Indies feel that going down on their woman is something that is “nasty”, as you suggest, or just plain unacceptable. The answer may lie in what your guy believes is “masculine”. If his peers believe that men are “less than” if they go down on a woman, then a man will be hestitant and anxious about violating his posse’s norms. If his is peer group has negative beliefs about cunnilingus, which may include that the vulva is “smelly, dirty” or worse,…. castrating… like a vagina dentalis… these are another set of intrapsyhic problems that might be more difficult to address with plain old fashion communication. You need to find out the source of his anxiety. Is it peer pressure oriented against cunnilingus due to the fallacious connection that “real men don’t eat pussy’? He may feel that a condition for his masculine prowess is when a man inserts a penis into a vagina. How does he feel about fellatio? Is “giving him head” as difficult to receive as is giving you oral pleasure? Or is the problem his struggle about his own internal anxieties about what a vulva means to him?. (engulfing, castrating…..etc) This last question is much tougher to address without therapy because it may be unconscious and unavailable for exploration. Has he had a bad experience in the past with cunnilingus? Or is there something reality based about your vulva, he has a hard time communicating to you?. A scent, order, texture that offends/frightens him? So many questions are engendered in your overall comment. Keep talking until you find out the source of his fear and concern. It is not enough to say that going down on a woman is nasty. He needs to look inside, especially if you so very much want him to pleasure you in this way. There is clearly nothing wrong with your desire for this behavior. Many normal women cannot have an orgasm from sexual intercourse, although they enjoy SI. They have their orgasms, manually and/or orally. Does your beaux understand that it hurts you when he won’t reconsider his position? ( PUN INTENDED). Does he know that you may need to orgasm in this way and that you wouldn’t deprive him of sexual intercourse or fellatio? He needs to begin to see the world in your way but you need to understand what disturbs him, as well.
The small sign of hope imbedded in your original comment is that he went down on you one time. This suggests that he might be agreeable to changing his philosophy since he was curious enough to do this once before . Would he be willing to describe what his experience was like to you? May I venture a guess at his ethnicity? Is he Caribbean West Indian? If I am correct, there are so many cultural norms suggesting that men who do this behavior are “pussified”– that is, not real men. He needs to be comforted and supported in knowing that he can be a “real man” by bringing you to orgasm in this way–his friends need never know. ( For some of my students with this ethnic background, the fear was located in the posse …that they would ridicule the “cunning linguist”, if they found out).
Give him a little education about cunnilingus. Tell him that many men eroticize this act. They find the scent and texture of a woman’s vulva highly erotic especially when they, themselves are turned on. Tell him that masculinity is defined in terms of a man’s willingness to sexually GIVE and please a woman. Ask him to consider going down on you when he is most turned on. He may actually find that his arousal may create a positive reinforcement for this behavior.
Eating fruit instead of drinking fruit juice has some advantages. Sex Positions
Ok, I understand what you blogged but I don’t get what you are driving at? Does anyone else?
At first I had trouble performing cunnilingus on my girlfriend. It seemed awkward to me since i have never before, it felt weird on my tongue, and the scent was new and different to me. After doing it a few times it didnt feel weird anymore and actually arousing for me as well. So i guess if you practice it a few times it becomes fun for both and arousing as well.
If a man isn’t by nature drawn to desire this, it can seem like work, and the muscles involved can get tired quickly. Women say the same thing sometimes about fellatio. For me the key in this is to tell him you need it, and then talk him throuh it. It will seem like drudgery if he is putting forth the effort and you don’t say a word and don’t really seem to be enjoying it. The more his able to please you in this way, and the more reinforcement he gets about what feels good, and what feels really good, to you, the more willing and eager he will be to do this. Remember, he can’t see your face, and he needs your voice to guide him. If he really doesn’t care about pleasing you, then that’s the underlying problem.