I have been following the posts on Uganda, as well as Jay’s and Cindy’s posts.
I am a gay male who unfortunately did not have the same positive experience as Jay did. I am 24 and both my parents do not know I am gay. A matter of fact I am so frightened to tell them since I have often heard my dad make disparaging remarks about gay people, i.e calling them “fags” and “queers”. While I understand the gay community uses the word “queer” as an affirming, positive word….be sure that is not my father’s intended use of the word.
I cringe when I hear him talk like this and I’m not even sure he doesn’t have his ideas about me. If he does it is even more hurtful that he would continue to use these words. My mom unfortunately is quite controlled by my dad so she sits there and accepts his words.
I was wondering if you, Dr. Pinhas or anyone else have any words of wisdom on how I can best come out to them. I am tired of living a lie and want to be honest about who I am and live my life with integrity.
I have had to “sneak” around when it comes to dating. I have never been able to bring over my significant other to meet them. It has even put a strain on our relationship since my b/f is totally out and his family totally accepts him. He has been very supportive but thinks it is to my detriment to stay in the closet.
All positive comments are welcomed….especially from those who have gone through this.
Thank you Dr. Pinhas for having a forum like this where people can come and be honest about themselves and ask for help on a myriad of topics. I love reading your blog and think you are wonderful!
From Gay Rights: An Out of the Closet Recollection, 2010/02/03 at 6:32 PM
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Thanks Mike for expressing your thoughtful dilemma. Coming out to family is always stressful and just because we are living in 2010 and there is more societal openness toward gayness, doesn’t make it any less stressful, when you specifically are the one coming out. From the sound of it, your parents sound relatively rigid and authoritarian which can make disclosure particularly painful. Since you are 24 years old and your parents have managed to interact with you all these years into your early adulthood, a mutual pretense may be going on between you and them. You know your gay; they may know you are gay; no one’s talking.
It almost seems, as if, your father may be baiting you without conscious awareness. Let me hypothesize the following: When your father goes into his homophobic rant, he may be provoking you into a disclosure by seeing ” if you will man up” to him. It’s bizarre behavior on his part, but it may, just in fact, fit the description of your father. In essence, he is accusing you of being a “passive wimp” ( perhaps his distorted notion of what gay men are really like) and wants to see if you’ll stand up to him….”like a man” ( his supposed thoughts). Sooooo I think there is a dynamic going on between you and him which needs to get confronted.
You cannot come out in a way that asks for your parents approval. They will never give you approval unless you are willing to accept yourself with dignity and worth. Only then will you get the respect and consideration that you seek from them. You need to inform them at a time when he’s going on with one of his homophobic rants, by saying something like,” Dad, when you use language like “fag”/ “queer” it enrages me and turns my stomach… after all these years don’t you know that I’m gay? Haven’t you suspected it? I can’t sit by and listen to you rant about gay people when you have a son in your family that is happily gay, with the exception of having stayed in the closet far too long. I should have told you and mom long ago but given your predisposition to “fag bashing” its been difficult for me to take you and this issue on. Now is a different day. I have a terrific boyfriend whose family is loving and supportive and I’d like to start leading my life with integrity, rather than sneak around the two of you.” I am not asking for your approval. I am only telling you that I’m gay and that if you want to make disparaging commentary, keep it to yourself or not in earshot of me.” I love you both… and hope that you come to terms with my sexual orientation. If there is anything you want to know, just ask me.”
Mike, they will need time to digest this and integrate into themselves. After all you needed 20 some odd years to figure out your orientation as well and reveal it to them. This is a developmental milestone that you need to achieve in order to be truly an adult. Remember you are not asking for approval; you are just informing. Think about what poor Mary Cheney had to go through in order to tell the Vice President, that she was a lesbian. Dick Cheney must have experienced cognitive dissonance of the most extreme magnitude. Look at the outcome.. not only didn’t he reject his daughter… he is supportive of her rights as a lesbian and accepts her lover and their daughter. Surely, If Dick and Lynn Cheney came to accept Mary, there has to be hope for your father. You just need to courage to speak up.
Incidentally, a survey in The Advocate asking ” Have you come out to your parents?” found that 63% of gays said yes, they came out and their parents took the news well, 11% said yes and their parents rejected them and 26% said no.
Mike, if there are specific circumstances that I needed to know in order to give you a more specific answer, just blog them and I will hone in on it.
Best of luck on your journey!
I am completely on board with Dr.Pinhas. As Dr. Pinhas stated, your father may be testing you, and although he has a strange way of trying to pull it out of you, he may just want to hear the words from you. My coworkers’ father actually this same exact way and I immediately thought of him when I read this. His father was testing him by saying “queer” and “fag” and “not a real man” to such an extent that my coworker finally blew up and came out. He says it was the best fight they ever had! He is comfortable and finally “out of the closet” and open with his sexual orientation and his family completely and totally accepted him.
Try to put your fears aside of your parents reactions to your being gay. They “made” you and if this is who you are, then they’ll love you anyway. They’ve loved you this whole time not having a clue as to your orientation and regardless, you’re still their child and love is unconditional. Love doesn’t know gay or straight, so I say go for it and let them know!
I hope it all works out for you!
There is no way to know how they will react towards you being gay, ahead of time. Some people may say those negative things towards homosexuals, but might have a different view towards gays if it’s a loved-one. Especially, if it’s their own child. I agree with Staci, they are your parents and are supposed to give you unconditional love. It might be very hard for everyone to accept, but eventually they will have to learn to accept it. You also might have to help them try to understand. It must be so difficult to have to pretend you are someone else. Once you are ready to show them who you really are, you will definitely be happier, despite the outcome. At least you can finally be yourself. Good luck! I hope everything works out for you.
Hey, sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through in your life right now. I know it must be difficult to go through what you’re going through but i thought I’d share a point or two that may help you build some confidence in yourself and dismiss some doubts you have.
-As far as your Dad calling people fags and queers. When I was younger, I use to call people fags and queers and not even think of gay people when I use those terms. I would sometimes use them in front of my friends (that were gay) without even thinking about it catch myself, apologize and turn red and feel ignorant and stupid. I had to have that happen to me for me to open my eyes to how powerful language can be even when its meant to be almost meaningless. Maybe your dad isn’t even using it in that context and if he is, he needs to be brought to a different level of awareness because everyone deserves a certain level of respect especially when it comes to family matters.
-As far as coming out, look at the long run. Do you really want to hide it from them forever? CAN YOU? I don’t think it’s easy but I think by overwhelming yourself you may make it a bigger deal than it is. If you’re nervous when you have this talk, you’ll naturally make your parents nervous when they’re listening. You have to be able to keep your cool and remember that you’re sharing a piece of information with them and not asking for approval or an opinion on the subject (unless you want one) Bottom line is when you’re coming out its about you not them. Weather they like it or not it’s the truth and they should take it for what it is.
I wish you the best of luck!