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hey val,
i had you last semester in human sexuality and i figured youd be the one to ask since i don’t see a gynecologist and i’m flipping out a little. Yesterday morning i woke up with extreme itchiness around the vaginal area, i was away so i didn’t think anything of it. today i still am soo itchy and i looked in the mirror and i have like this white, thick, sticky, and odorless stuff coming out..
do you have any idea what i might have??

How would you describe a “healthy” sexual relationship between any couple? What would make it “unhealthy”?

Hello Dr. Pinhas,

When my ex-boyfriend and I were in a relationship, it was really great because we were both truly in love and shared both an amazing emotional and intimate relationship. We enjoyed being intimate, however it was always a problem when he fingered me. I do not know why, but it was one of the most painful and least pleasurable experiences that I have ever had. I really never understood the reason as to why it hurt so badly. Maybe you would have an idea?

Thanks

Dr. P,
I am very curious about anal sex, but I have not tried it. Some of my friends have told me that it hurts, but others said it feels really great. Are there any harmful risks involved and do you have any advice on how I can be more relaxed when trying it? I don’t know if the pain is worth the pleasure. Thank you.

Dr. Pinhas,
I was wondering about good birth control methods with very low hormones. My girlfriend seems to be very sensitive even to the hormones such as the nuva ring. I hate condoms. I do already have a child but do not want another one yet. My daughters mother (not my current girlfriend) used an IUD after my daughter was born and it worked great. My girlfriend now is under the impression that there is an increased risk of not being able to conceive in the future if you use and IUD and have not already had a child. I have heard this from other people as well. Can you please shed a little light on this subject. Thank you

Dr. Pinhas,

A friend of mine got a call from her doctor a few days ago and they informed her that she had an ovarian cyst. Although we spoke about this in class I have some questions about ovarian cysts. If the doctor tells you there s a mass inside the cyst what does this mean? Is this cause for concern or is this something that can go away on its own. Worse case scenario is surgery required or can it go away on its own? Are there any natural remedies to cure this or prevent it from happening? Thank you!!

Dr. Pinhas,
what Christina writes above is SO true. I feel the exact same way. While I am finally mentally ready to engage in sex, it is my self image which is really stopping me from it. I was bigger as a child, and although my body has finally come into its own and I know others don’t see me as I see me, I still feel pretty low. I still feel like the big unbeautiful little girl. I’m obssessed with my image, and it’s really taking a toll on me and the way I relate to others–not just boys, people in general. I’m the go to girl for advice amongst all of my friends…ALL of them. I am like the mommy in the group, and nobody would guess how I really feel about myself. I know all guys have different tastes, but I can’t bring myself to believe my own advice. All girls are insecure by nature, and that just makes things a hell of a lot more difficult.

I am always hearing about people ‘sexting’ each other and sending nude pictures to each other, whether it’s their boyfriend or some friend that they are talking to. I don’t exactly understand the point of it or why people do it when half the time they end up getting embarrassed because everyone tells people about it. Is this healthy and normal to do an if they do do it how can it affect them when it comes to real life?

Dr. Pinhas,
my questions is: What gender prefers to be dominated more in bed? We see that men, whether in movies or our own general ideas about gender roles, are usually more proactive during intercourse; however, women too are sexual and becoming more comfortable with their sexuality. Is this totally dependent on the individual or are there statistics pertaining?

Hi Dr. Pinhas,
I am kind of concious of my body. I know that I have a regular, good figure but on many occasions many boys just come up to me because of how I look. I guess I’m scared to be used and worry that a guy would just be with me only for my body. Its happened before when I’ve met guys. Everytime we talk a little more its more about my body this and that; in the end I get turned off and bored with him. I would like to meet a guy who is stimulating and more intrested about my personality than my butt. I dont know sorry if Im being a nun but I haven’t been in a relationship in a long while because of this. So sometimes I wonder if I’ll get my wish. Am I being negative to say that it is hopeless to find a decent guy? Or maybe have I been quick to judge guys because of others in the past? What do you think?

“Penis Size, Perceptions of Sexual Adequacy by Self and Others, and Micropenis”

Dr. Pinhas,

In August 2010, you posted on your blog “Penis Size: What Men Think They Need: What They Think Women Want.” I came across that posting recently (November 2012), found it helpful, and read the comments of readers and your replies since your original posting. I commented using the name “Norm,” and you replied. This submission for your blog addresses my own experience as a man dealing with the physical fact of penile insufficiency (medically diagnosed “micropenis”), social stigma and sexual relationship challenges, and my struggle to maintain feelings of self worth and sexual adequacy.

You invited me to elaborate for another posting, so this is that additional information.
I appreciate your perspective, and I have grateful for the many gifts and opportunities of life. I’m reasonably well educated, financially secure, and successful in a 30-year career that includes leadership positions and respect from others. In all aspects of life, people respect those who demonstrate a positive attitude and treat others well. I expect that I do those two things with some success. It’s almost comical, but I think generally true that success in the workplace for a man is as much attributable to being tall and having good hair as it is to having good ideas or being able to sell the ideas he has better than others do. Overall, my body image is reasonably realistic and positive. You stressed expression and the use of words in your reply to my comment on the earlier post on “Penis Size.“ With regard to words, do well writing, speaking publicly or privately, and listening actively. I don’t do so well with words when the subject is of a sexual nature.

You offer excellent information from professional experience on what is an exceptionally personal subject to men. I’m 51 and the internet didn’t exist in common usage until I was in my mid-30s, and there was little information widely available on this subject until fairly recently. I know I found very little in my teen years, and it isn’t the kind of thing I could go asking a librarian to help with.

In my own case, I visited a urologist at age 25 because my ex-wife (still married then) and I were trying to have a child and nine months of trying produced no result. We both visited our doctors, and they both told us to give it another three months and then come back. My doctor then sent me to have my sperm tested at a lab and to visit a urologist. The urologist diagnosed “micropenis” and talked about surgical options (none satisfactory to me). He told me that intervention just after puberty should have involved hormone treatments, but that it was a decade too late in my growth and development at the point I saw him. My testes matured, but they stayed very small also, and I distinctly remember that the doctor wrote in a short letter to either me or my doctor following the visit: “gential dimensions – infantile; formation – unremarkable; function – normal.” He told me to avoid tobacco and alcohol and maintain good cardiovascular fitness, but that my penis, like the rest of me, had reached its full adult potential.

I didn’t tell my parents about my concerns that began at age six because, although educated, they were very practical people. My father had seen men cut in half by shrapnel when he was in the Army fighting in the Pacific during the Second World War, and he didn’t consider any childhood physical injury or anomaly all that serious. Money was tight, and my family couldn’t even afford regular dental care. I thought that my parents would have found it frivolous for me to be worried about the fact that I’d seen that my penis was much smaller than any of the other little boys’ penises. My sister (18 months older than I am) and I had bathed together until about age five. With barely anything protruding between my legs, the he flesh between my legs more closely resembled my sister’s than it did the boys my age I saw changing at the public swimming pool with me. I understood that I was a boy, and I resembled and felt like one in all respects other than when I was nude in the presence of other boys, and my penis was clearly much smaller even than those all the toddlers running around.

If I had known how this might be a social problem beginning in my teen years, I would have talked with my parents about it, but I had no idea, and still hoped I would grow and catch up.

Beginning at age 11, I dreaded the prospect of high school. My body was growing, but my penis wasn’t, and the bigger the rest of my body got, the smaller it looked on me. The main reason I dreaded high school was that my parents were going to send all their sons to an all-male private school that required students to swim nude in gym class. One week out of every four for four years was nude in the pool in groups of 40-50 at a time. We were lined up for roll call, waiting to use the diving board, and standing on the side of the pool waiting our turn to dive back in. My oldest brother began at that school when I was 11, and one day he saw me in the bathroom at home after my shower. He told me that my penis would be noticed and a problem for me. I believe his exact words were: “You’ll never make high school with that tiny dick.”

I did go to that school, and at ages 14 to 18, hormones are raging and talk is about all things sexual. Because of swimming, it was universally known for 3 of my 4 years there that I had he smallest penis in the whole school, that’s about 1,500 guys who cycled through during those years. Unfortunately for me, this knowledge didn’t stay in the pool, or even within the walls of the school. Guys talk. Guys talk to girls. Girls talk. All of the girls at our sister school knew who the bigger guys were, and they all knew about me. There were giggles, whispers, and hand gestures in social situations, and some painful nicknames. Those were the most difficult years of my life, as they are for many people. I began dating at age 16, mostly through part-time job connections and with girls who had no knowledge of me through school. I was tall and fit, reasonably good looking, and some girls were always flirting with me or giving indications of interest.

I dated but delayed pursuing sex for longer than any of my friends did, mostly because I liked the company of girls our age, but I was terrified of what would happen when it came to sex or even petting that led to a sudden reach into my pants. Eventually it did happen, and I was totally unprepared. Maybe everyone is a little unprepared or nervous, and it turned out that intercourse was nothing like what my friends told me it would be like, and the sensation was nothing like what her friends told her to expect (pain, tightness, difficulty inserting). Neither one of us should have been losing our virginity at that point (age 17), but it turned out worse than I thought. Only a couple of days later, she “outed” me in my presence to a group of 3 waitresses and our female manager at the restaurant where we worked after school and on weekends. They knew that we were dating and physically affectionate, and one of them made a comment directed to my girlfriend nodding in my direction and referring to me as “your man.” She snorted, made a hand gesture with tips of right index finger and thumb about an inch apart, and said: “He’s not a MAN; he’s not even HALF a man; he’s just a little BOY!” There was a long silence, then they all started to laugh. I stood there feeling faint and thought I might vomit.

I’m only saying all this, because you’re right, Dr. Pinhas. There are successful and unsuccessful ways of dealing with the challenges of life. The physical insufficiency of my sexual organs and the feelings that came from life experience took me decades of trial and error to work though and tame. I’m glad that you posted what you did on your blog, and that there’s more information now available to young men, especially in their teen years and 20s than there was when I was younger.

I’ll offer some other information here.

I never found an optimal sexual strategy for myself. Over time, these events, my preparations, and the reactions of myself and others reached a sort of bearable equilibrium. I didn’t have much help either. These three men have learned a lot from you and other reliable sources, as others are now.

One good thing is that, over time, the situations of forced nudity and exposure reduce in frequency and number. As children and teenagers, we have no control. At this point in my life, the only people who see me naked and learn the truth of my penis size are the people I want to have see me naked, the occasional medical procedure excepted of course.

At age 51, I’m 6’1″ tall, weigh 190 pounds, and my doctor tells me that I’m within 5 pounds of a medically ideal weight. I run 40 miles per week, walk another 20 to get to and from work, and do other exercise as well. I still have a full head of mostly dark hair, and my Mediterranean skin never wrinkled. By all appearances, I’m a thoroughly fit man. The secret I conceal beneath my clothes is that my unaroused penis is the size and shape of a little sewing thimble, under one inch long. Fully erect, my penis reaches a maximum length of two inches (about the length and thickness of the thumb of a small adult hand), less if any alcohol is involved.

These are some of the issues I’ve had to face:

– Standard condoms don’t fit. They slip off, and the smallest snug fit condoms are difficult to find, except online, and not well displayed. A pharmacy may have three varieties of large condoms, 20 varieties of regular-size condoms and no small condoms. I have to ask. Ugh.

– Combine condoms slipping off with my penis slipping out during vaginal penetrative intercourse. It’s frustrating for a woman to have to keep stopping and breaking the rhythm so we can reinsert me, sometimes also putting the condom back on. There’s almost no way to stroke or thrust with a penis as small as mine. If I pull back an inch, I’m out.

– Most positions that women have come to enjoy just don’t work with me. If I can even reach, I probably can’t enter. It’s more frustrating for a woman than for me, because I’ve never had another penis to work with. By her teen years or early 20s, women have had other partners, some good and some not, but none physically endowed like me.

– I always had, and still have, a great fear of word spreading that my penis is unusually small. Young women may tell their friends about all their partners. Beyond a certain age, the mystery and novelty has worn off, and women share fewer of the details of their sexual encounters. However, they still tell their friends about remarkable lovers, skilled or not, extremely large, or extremely small. This is not something that a man wants to be known for, not just as a matter of pride and self-worth, but even adults will tease about it, especially if alcohol is involved, and it’s a distraction from the enjoyment of life.

– Skinny dipping and strip poker are normal rites of passage among social circles. A young man running from these situations, which I have always done, is awkward and indicates that he lacks confidence, maybe creating the presumption of having a small penis. The alternative of displaying it always seemed worse.

– Swimming. There’s no way in a wet swimming suit, no matter how baggy it is, to conceal the size of my genital bulge. If anyone cares to look, it’s pretty obvious that there isn’t much there, and the size and shape are usually obvious. In the past 45 years, since age 6, I’ve never climbed out of a swimming pool or walked back onto a beach from the water without being extremely self-conscious about the small size of my penis being clearly visible and apparent.

– Table talk. Whenever adult conversation gets to the subject of penis size, and it does, especially when alcohol is involved and at least one person wants to bring it up, I feel very uncomfortable and say nothing. My change in demeanor, and likely blushing, sends signals that I have something to hide. The anxiety and stress in these situations, hoping not to give myself away, is really awful.

– Urinals in mens’ rooms. This is one area in which I’m probably more comfortable than other guys who have small penises. When I really have to go, the relief from relieving the pressure on my bladder makes me not care who can see me. I’ve known a couple of other guys who couldn’t go if anyone was near them in there.

– Indirect stigma. Women do not want to be known among their friends, co-workers, or sisters for having a boyfriend or husband with a small penis. As much as I have felt sexually inadequate as a man, there have been situations in which the secret came out in one way or another. A wife or girlfriend is then exposed to some teasing and there is an implication that she’s somehow less of a woman for attracting such a sexually underdeveloped man.

– Dating. I have to be a normal man, but I also have to find a way to disclose that I have an exceptionally small penis. There is no ideal time or way to do this, and it is usually very awkward. However, I have learned very clearly that the surprise to a woman in a moment of passion and first physical intimacy with me is much worse than the fact of it. It has to be before stripping or touching toward sex, and this is difficult to tell. Too early, and it can seem just plain weird to a date that bring it up, particularly if she had no intention of going to bed with me. If I bring it up too late, on the other hand, she’s going to be shocked and disappointed.

– Rejection. My ex-wife told me when she left that she was moving out, that we were getting a divorce, that my penis was way too small to satisfy her sexually, and that she was already seeing other men. That’s what she said to me on the day she moved out. Not money problems, not bad breath, not fat or stupid. Penis is too small. In college, I asked a woman out. I found her very attractive, bright, and funny, and I thought she thought the same of me. She told me directly that she wasn’t interested in dating me because she’d heard from a girlfriend of hers that I have a tiny penis, and she finds men with small penises to be a total turn-off. That’s almost word-for-word what she said. Tiny penis, no date.

– Media images and comedy are increasingly hostile and demeaning toward small penises. It’s just the way it is. We aren’t a protected class, and the trend is definitely in that direction. The same discomfort I feel in the point above about “table talk” I feel every time someone on television makes a demeaning comment about someone having a small penis. For example, there are about three such references in every episode of the TV sitcom “Two and a Half Men”

I knew all along that the alternative was to not date or send signals of romantic interest. I enjoy friendships with men, but I always felt a strong attraction to certain women, I suppose in a conventional heterosexual way. Avoiding romantic and intimate relationships with women never seemed to be a compelling or satisfactory way for me to live.

So, I had to choose carefully, make certain that the basis for the relationship was something deeper than physical attraction, and never chase women just to get them into bed. Most of my friends did just this, chase women just for sex. A few, even at my age now, still do. I also had to learn ways of pleasing a woman without vaginal penetrative intercourse, or at least reserving it until she is fully satisfied by other means.

I’ll close with one last thought. I’ve never told anyone this before, and I’m now sharing for the blog. Since that day in the swimming pool locker room at age six when I observed that my penis was so much smaller than those of other boys, I’ve gone to bed every night hoping that my penis would grow while I sleep. The first thing I’ve done every morning when I first wake up is reach down and feel my penis with my fingers to see if it grew while I slept. It’s never grown. Here, 45 years later, I go to bed with that same hope each night, a much more faint hope than when I was a boy and expected that all of me would grow. Even now, I still wake up each morning, feel the small penis and scrotum between my legs, remember the urologists description, “infantile,” and know that it remains so. The only thing left to do is to shake the disappointment from my mind and focus on the new day and what I must do to begin that day of work and responsibilities.

Chris (my name, the name “Norm” was a function of my shame and lingering insecurity.)