Dear Prof. Pinhas,
Firstly, I have to say you are an excellent professor and I am grateful to have you.
So I have a friend (female) who I’ve had sex a few times now. She considers me just her friend and if “anything happens, it happens.”
I respect her as a person and value her friendship, but I feel like sexual pleasure can create intimate feelings. Like when we cuddle and kiss, for example. To further complicate matters, I’m not sure how she feels.
Is a friend with benefits worth it?
Thank you in advance,
GV
Response from Dr. Pinhas
Hi G
Ah, the friends with benefits question. I could go on for days about this one because the bottom line for both genders, is that “friends with benefits” is a myth. Perhaps, as a general rule, less so for guys than for girls. For the female gender, causal, uncommitted, unrelated sex, becomes the bane of their lives. As a guy you can easily recognize that your female friend is playing it causal. For the most part, she might actually believe in the “friends with benefits” concept. However, she shows her hand, in spite of her poker face, when she says, ” if anything happens, it happens.” She knows that you respect her as a person and value her friendship. This gives her exactly what she wants from you….. respect and dignity. This is what women want when they hook up with a guy. They don’t want to have sexual relations and then get thought of in derogatory ways…. the old prude/slut dilemma. So you are giving her the dignity she deserves as a good friend.. so it is safe to have sex with you. She feels secure in your relationship even if it doesn’t end up as a lovingly communicated relationship. On the other hand, you, my dear, are getting attached to her through the kissing and cuddling. It’s not just about sex for you, either. How refreshing for a guy, to defy gender role expectations regarding his sexual rights. You too, are afraid that you might get more attached to her and actually fall head over heels for her. It would hurt you, if you cared more about her than she does for you. This is what sex brings…. it does bring intimate emotionally charged feelings, even though guys, as a general rule, would like to deny their emotional pull toward a woman, in favor of getting “laid” or getting “head”. My experience is that a lot of guys really do want a lovingly meaningful relationship that is sexually exciting, but they are fearful of expressing the emotionally meaningful side of themselves. In our culture, it is easier for them to put the accent on “tits” and “ass”, at the expense of really connecting with a partner.
This ” friends with benefits” thing is very overrated and emotionally DEFENSIVE. When girls pretend that they are into the “hooking up thing” with no emotional attachment, they do this to feel apart of someone or something. They hope that the sex thing will lead to a meaningful attachment. They so want to be involved with a guy…. to be connected, for fear of being on the periphery of a social group, that “to do sex” is a way of staying attached. For 36 years, I’ve heard the same mantra, from women, ” its cool to hook up with guys”– no problems, no regrets. This is the 1970’s feminist cry of free love, free sex. In principle, women should be able to express themselves with sexual abandonment, sexual freedom and be entitled to pursue orgasm seeking behavior without being twisted up into a pretzel with guilt and shame . But most women have difficulty expressing themselves in orgasm seeking behavior unless they feel emotionally SAFE AND SECURE!!!!!. I am not so sure they need to be in love to have orgasm- seeking behavior, since most young women are unclear about what comprises real love, anyway. But the attitude that they can hook up with a guy who wants them sexually, might benefit the guy’s orgasm- seeking behavior, but does absolutely little for a girl’s erotic longings and pleasure. Most young women, “do” sex for their “friends,” but seldom do they really experience and “feel” sex with their “friends.” They just comply and often times are not erotically responsive. What a pity to have this “friends with benefits” sex without the benefit of an orgasm!
As a result this “friends with benefits” phenomena is an untruthful form of attachment that leaves most women and some men COLD. It isn’t truthful. Theoretically, we should all be able to express ourselves with sexual freedom and openness but we cannot ignore the context of this expression. Women need to feel valued by men. Without this, they will have fairly empty sexual lives and faked orgasms. I am sorry that I sound so provincial and anti-sexual freedom. I am not. My clinical experience leads me to understand that when women do a lot of “friends with benefits without understanding their real motives for attachment and connection, they oftentimes feel used and abandoned by guys, and worse, they get castigated as “sluts” for being sooooooo very easy. They feel depressed and worthless, deep down inside.( This penchant for calling girls sluts has got to stop….. If she kisses a guy, she’s a slut; if she dresses sexually stylized, she’s a slut; if she’s too friendly with guys, she’s a slut; if she parties too much, she a slut; if she like another girl’s boyfriend, she’s a slut; if she has big boobs, she’s a slut. This list can go on ad nauseum. Often times, girls confuse sex with love and nurturing. Sometimes sex with guys makes them part of a social group so that they don’t feel like a loser ( prude). This may be part of the problem.
Wouldn’t it lovely if we lived in a world where women could feel in control of their eroticism. How nice to become a comfortably trusted friend with a guy who has a mutuality of trust and respect for her. Even nicer if she wants to express her sexual longings toward him without the fear that he or others will evaluate her as a slut. Even more appreciated if she might not want to have sex with him but just wants to hang out with him to see how the relationship develops without being thought of as a prude.
Every human being must tell themselves the truth about where they are at sexually. There is room for all types of experimentation. Let’s stop the value judgments and get real with ourselves and each other. Let me hear from others, out in cyberspace, about these thoughts. What’s your experience?
G, as for you, I can see that you are worried that your physical activity with her will cause you to be vulnerable to your loving attached feelings. Why don’t you talk to her about this directly and tell her that you don’t want to hurt her or yourself. Ask her for her thoughts. See what she says, for real.
I totally agree with Dr. Pinhas when she said that friends with benefits does not exist, specially if your attracted, and care for the girl your with. I feel that, you should tell the girl the truth about how you feel about her, but in a way that is not going to scare her. You never know what her issue is, maybe she secretly likes you too, or maybe she has some past relationship problems that shes scared to put her walls down, and let her feelings go, it can be a lot of things, but i really think that you should tell her whats up.
I agree as well, with my situation the guy is my ex from more than 2 years ago. We didn’t speak for almost a year but lately have been closer than ever, we talk regularly, go out together, watch movies ect. and a few times he’s suggested casually “hooking up”. being as i have no feelings aside from those as a friend i was quite reluctant about this. on one occasion recently i allowed for a little fooling around which ultimately left me feeling awkward and wondering what his intentions were or if he wanted to get back together, which i definitely do not want. As difficult as it was to potentially hurt and/or lose someone who I was so close with, i had to tell him that there would be no more and that we were strictly friends. I am happy to say that after a day or so of weirdness between us, we are just as good of friends as ever and i don’t have to worry anymore about the idea of “friends with benefits” that would just have created a mess… The hook-ups aren’t worth losing a friend for.
Even though at first the “friends with benifets” may start off as what one thinks a “non emotional” relationship. It soon enough becomes that. One person is either going to like the other person more while the other person is attracted but isnt intrestsed in an emotional relationship just sexual. People in these situations sooner or later get tired of it because feelings do develop as they spend more time together. Causing either two to get jealouse if the other person is starting to talk to someone else, but they cant say anything because their just “fiends with benefits” and have no right to say anything.Eventually their going to have to decide whether to end it or make a commitment.
i can relate to this question in a lot of ways. i do feel that you should tell this girl what you feel just so there’s no misunderstanding. She might feel the same when and your better off not feeling weird and letting it out now. You no longer just have just a friendship with this girl but its obviously become much more. This is a risky game your playing and has time ges by its harder to stop or to even handle because one of you might get hurt.
I have had situation like this also. It was with my ex girlfriend. We broke up and then after about 5 months started to talk again. I really didn’t know how to feel about hanging out with her. Then we began to fool around and it left both of us feeling awkward but still wanting to do it. I mean you go into it thinking it will be casual and fun but it always seems to end up being a little awkward. I would love for it to work out but it really ended up making my relationship with my ex as a friend impossible. Now we can’t really hang out unless it is to fool around and im not really interested in that anymore.
Friends with benefits. Ive never had this situation,but i know close friends who have. It seems like it would be a cool idea, but from seeing my friends first hand, it really does anything but strengthen their friendship with this significant other. I guess its tough from a guys perspective when he sees a cute girl, and is ultimately in the “friends zone” to not think about having sex with her. Lets face it, 9 times out of 10 a guy sees a cute girl, friend or not, hes thinking about having sex already. Friends with benefits sounds mostly like it may have hurdles, but i guess its not impossible.
I think that friends with benifits isnt the best idea. I happen to have a friends thats been with the same girl for 3 months and they dont consider themselves girl friend or boyfriend. He tells me all these stories that he has sex with her. I think its un loyall becuae they really dont have any feelings for each other. All they do is meet up to have sex. They seem to always fight , and not get along but foe some reason they still meet up to have sex. My best guess is that their sex expierence must be amazing.. but i still think its wrong. I think it can mess up the friendship and make things worse
I’ve seen this situation many times from friends and on tv and I Don’t think that it ever turns out wel. Agreeing with what other people said I think it usually starts out without emotion but eventually it might lead somewhere that might make your relationship awkward.
I think that unless the two people engaging in the friends with benefits relationship are 100% doing it with no attachment and guilt free attitude on both ends, friends with benefits can lead one person on and can also ruin a friendship. My friend was involved with this kid for about a year and was hooking up with him because she actually really liked him and thought maybe their relationship would move on past just being friends with benefits. He on the other hand was not interested in having a committed relationship, he wanted to still be able to get with other girls, and he was basically in it for the fun. It was hard for her to realize that the emotions she was having for him weren’t mutual. She realized she had to make a decision, whether it was staying involved in this non-committed relationship and getting upset and angry every time he gets with another girl or ending the relationship even though that would mean loosing him as a friend. She realized the relationship was not going to end up how she wanted, she stopped involving herself with him and ultimately lost a friend because of it.
I agree with Dr. Pinhas, I think friends with benefits is just some excuse for you hooking up with someone whenever you want without having to commit. Most of the time it’s pretty clear that you like the other person but you just don’t want to commit so you make up the whole friends with benefits stuff. Eventually it will end up in a big mess and just cause more problems.
I’ve seen both sides of the situation, being both the person who got trapped in wanting a more meaningful relationship then the other person and also being the one who strictly wanted to have someone at my disposal, as horrible as that sounds now to me, on the weekends. At first, it starts off great until your emotions come into play which brings about jealousy, self-doubt, and constantly questioning what will become of your “hook up” – will it become something more, will it eventually fade out, how do you even end a “friends with benefits” relationship as friends? Jealousy is probably one of the biggest issues I’ve dealt with in the whole “friends with benefits” mess. I’ve had two long term boyfriends totaling 4 1/2 years of dating with only a 6 month break in between the two. While I don’t judge others on their decisions, I’ve only had sex with two people, my two exs, and waited several months before finally giving into temptation since I see it as a great way to earn and build respect between two partners. When you get into a friends with benefits situation, I feel like everything is rushed – you two are only looking for one thing and that’s probably going to be the basis of your relationship, maybe the only thing you two have in common.
G, if you’re really into this girl i suggest you tell her what you’re struggling with so you don’t wind up strictly left in the ‘friend zone’ as a hook up buddy. She may even be struggling with the same thoughts as you and feel relieved when you’re strong enough to want to talk about it. If she doesn’t want to take it any further, you should end it before things get too messy. From my own experience, I had nothing but respect for the guy I was hooking up with when he told he wanted more and if I didn’t, he could no longer hook up with me – he later became my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years.
Go for it G, see what happens! Good Luck!
I agree with Dr. Pinhas. My take on “friends with benefits” is that it starts as harmless fun at first. People just want to be able to fool around, be able to be a part of someone without the actual commitment. But I feel that in the long run one person eventually starts to get more attached than their partner which can tend to ruin a really good relationship. From my own experience I had a friend who wanted more than a friendship but I valued our friendship more than anything else in this world that I didn’t let myself go there. I just felt that our friendship was more important than letting it go to the next level.
As for you G you’re an awesome guy because when guys are just “friends with benefits” with girls they tend to be jerks. Sometimes people just want to have fun & have someone there but not be tied down. In my case sometimes I just want to have a friend who can fulfill my needs when I need them but sometimes I get scared that the guy may think I am easy or that I am less of a woman because all I want is a sexual relationship, but it’s not like I’m going around sleeping around with multiple guys. It’s a complicated topic; some people can be mature about it while others can’t.
Good luck with everything G!
Well that girl lost touch with me. I don’t even think my friendship was of value to her. I’m glad that is over. I have a girlfriend now, a friend, and many benefits. But also someone I love.
I suppose if you want casual sex, that’s all there is to it. To befriend someone, you have to care for them. And sex can only deepen those emotions. At least for me, if I have sex with a girl that I don’t care for, I feel very empty afterwards.
Friends with benefits is possible but the effects of doing this is the problem. Sex is a natural way for making a baby of course but also for two people that truly love each other to show and express how they feel. Sex is the most physical, emotional and closest way you can be with someone, so if you are doing it for the fun of it you are not really having the experience of what real sex can be like. Think about it. Wouldn’t the sex be more amazing and intimate if you both had strong feelings for each other? Sex is a form of communicating and letting your partner know that you trust them with your body and with your heart. Having sex is an activity that comes with strong emotions. We are all human and as humans we tend to be imperfect. We have a biological need to be loved and be close to someone. You can’t fight nature or biology. Having sex just for physical pleasure will will feel good for awhile but it does catch up with you and the reality about how you feel and about the person you are having sex with will kick in.
My friend and I got ourselves into this situation. I only wanted it to happen once and go back to normal but now whenever we hang out, he makes it about having sex. It put us in a weird situation because we didn’t talk about things first and set some kind of guidelines to it. It’s hard to maintain a friends with benefits relationship because it changes things so much and without talking about it you can’t really keep up with what the person is thinking and how they’re feeling. He didn’t know that I only wanted it to be a “one time thing” because I didn’t want anyone in our group of friends to find out and I definietly did not want anyone in our grade to find out because I was always known as the good girl. I was scared if they knew I was having sex with someone I was not dating, everyone would see me differently. I didn’t want to be labeled a slut. I took Dr. Pinhas’ advice of “Let’s stop the value judgments and get real with ourselves and each other.” I was too worried about what people would think. No one’s going to judge me having sex with my friend, they wouldn’t think twice about it if they heard it happened. Everyone’s too preoccupied thinking about their lives to care about my life. Having sex isn’t something I’m going to feel ashamed about because I know doing it with my friend doesn’t make me a slut or a bad person. I was worried for nothing.
Judging from personal experience, “friends with benefits” relationships almost always end up in heartbreak. It always starts off as just fun, but eventually feelings are developed and those feelings aren’t always reciprocated. Before engaging in a “friends with benefits” relationship, I would sit down and evaluate the relationship you currently have with your friend. If you choose to sexualize the relationship, just know that you run the risk of ruining whatever it is you’ve had up until this point.
Friend with benefits is a phenomenon that I consider to be an excuse between two people who chose not to be truthful and real to each other. For healthy and good relationships are supposed to have the main ingredients of friendship, love and trust. The idea of friends with benefit does not always foster the latter phenomenon. Friendship and trust are oftentimes compromised for the benefits, since the benefits (aka sex, in most cases) takes center stage.
What are the benefits? The benefits include, but are not limited to emotional turmoil among many other cases of highs and lows. Yes, sex offers an instant gratification, and this is what, I think individuals refer to as benefit. This benefit idea is an exchange or sharing of body parts and fluids and no emotional attachment. Ironically enough, the physical benefits at some point get eroded by its emotional counterpart. Whether it is the emotion of wanting more: a relationship, a commitment, or just wanting to end the “dilemma,” the emotions often times over power the once intentioned idea of “friend with benefits.”
Why then do individuals allow themselves to be a part of this roller coaster game? I think that individuals who take part in this game are seeking to sooth their anguish from past unpleasant relationships. They are seeking to cover their hurt. They may also be seeking to embellish their bitterness and de-sensitize the natural feelings of love and care associated with loving relationships between partners. My supposition is that “friendship with benefits,” is used as incorrect therapeutic measure. Rather than seeking spiritual or medical therapy, one tends to seek the therapy that is immediate and temporary. The irony is that the temporary therapy may yield further emotional stress and pain.
By no means are my comments meant to demean and/or judge anyone for his or her choice of friendship with benefits. These comments are meant to elaborate that there is a deeper issue with friendship with benefits. Also, I am seeking to explain that temporary fix can result in more damages and ultimately more repairs in the long run.
I totally agree with Dr Pinhas’s response to the question. As a female, you never want to feel like a piece of meat and used no matter what the situation is. However, even though a girl may know the outcome of a “friends with benefit” situation, they may disregard everything they hear and go ahead with it anyway. I personally believe that each individual has a different way of dealing with the situation. With that being said, the average girl is usually more emotionally involved than the guy in any relationship. Even though one may know it is a bad idea to go through with it and potentially involve unwanted feelings, one will go ahead and do it anyway. I believe that most challenging situation about a “friends with benefit” situation is that people don’t realize that the outcome of fooling around for fun can turn into feelings. For me it is hard to stray away from something that I have a deep desire to do. The situation is a bit different for me because the person who I am involved with used to have feelings for me and I used to have feelings for him too. We both claim that our emotional attachment has disappeared, and this is only a causal thing. We have decided to have a no strings attached relationship and remove ourselves from the situation whenever we so choose. However, since I am very in touch with my feelings, I am afraid my feelings to come back. We have only decided to go ahead with this idea and if I feel my feelings come back, I will know to remove myself from the situation immediately. I truly believe that it is nice for a person to have both the package of a great emotional and intimate relationship, however if you are able to handle a “friends with benefits” type situation, then there is no reason as to why a guy or girl can’t have fun.
Dr. Pinhas made a very substantial comment as well as Whitney and Marc. Friends with Benefits is JUST a superficial term. To me it’s like playing house: there is the pretense that 2 friends are just “fooling around” because its nothing “serious”. The problem with playing house is that playtime has to end some time soon. Then this is when the real problems start to begin because one person might end up having more feelings but the other person might just see it as nothing but just getting their sexual needs fullfilled when nature calls. I guess frinds with benefits might intially be a physical thing but in most cases ends up in emotional problems. Its easier to do something when your body is commanding your actions but when your heart gets involved thats when its gets really complicated. Also when one person becomes too emotionally attatched, the other might want to end the BENEFITS part of the relationship and WORSE even the FRIEND part!! Therefore this leaves the person who wanted more emotionally scorned. They may bring these hurt feelings into other future relations; this is not healthy.
First thing, I am so tired of hearing women being referred to as sluts. Women are usually most guilty of this. We call each other sluts and whores, sometimes more than men do. The friends with benefits thing is extremely complicated and I think you just shouldn’t cross that line if you want to stay friends. It’s just like sleeping with someone at your job. You know the risks and is the sex really worth the loss of something so valuable?
The only way “friends with benefits” ends well is if both parties have the same exact feelings about the subject. Otherwise one person is always gonna be screwed if not both. That being said you have to ask yourself is it worth the pain and suffering. I don’t know if I’m weird or crazy but I would like to think that when i have a wife she’s going to be my best friend. A knew most of my girlfriends for a while before we started going out and we usually had sex before we were dating. If you’re friends with someone and you think there might be a connection, but you’re willing to accept that there isn’t one if the other party isn’t interested, then go for it. Just remember 9/10 its a bad move.
This whole “Friends With Benefits” notion is just another one of those things which in fantasy SEEMS great, but the reality is absolutely not worth it. As a woman who was the instigator in a FWB scenario, In the begining I had a good time…, I guess because I was the one in control of the “realtionship” and the guy wasn’t a close friend to me (more like a friend of a friend). Someone always gets hurt, it is almost impossible to share that kind of intimacy with a friend and not develop any feelings. In my situation I was clear that i did not want any serious relationship- strictly the benefits and the guy was involved in another relationship so i thought that it would work. WRONG!!! for a while it seemed to work but it didn’t take long for the whole thing to become stressful. He became emotionally attached, where I just was not interested. It was very scary, he started following me, and getting real aggressive when i tried lessening contact. It took almost 18months and protection for this guy to stop harrassing me.Friendships were lost as a result of this drama. “Friends With Benefits”, not remotely worth it at all. It was not my intention to hurt this guy, and i feel horrible and still quite shocked that it ended so badly.Feelings of love and affection are very powerful and not to be taken lightly, someone is wearing their “poker face” whilst strong feelings are stirring internally hiding away. This is terrible for the individual and for other interpersonal relationships.
I agree with mostly everyone about the whole friends with benefits situation. I mean i can see you going out and having an occasional hookup with a friend one time and it not be awkward or whatever. But once you and that friend start doing it more than once the whole situation gets more complicated. I always think that there will always be some sort of feelings for the other people no matter what. I’ve seen my friends go through and even myself, because once you see or hear that person actually talking to someone else, all the jealousy eventually comes out and it turns into a weird situation which usually gets someone hurt. I think it’s a way out for people to actually have the guts to say how they really feel and they try to stay out of a true committed relationship for many reason, fear of being left, or having the relationship eventually not work out and so on. Friends with benefits is never really just friends kind of thing. And if it is that you don’t actually want to be with that person and are just using them for sex but are also friends with them, you are just dumb for doing that because you wouldn’t want to use one of your friends for sex and you’d want to make sure that their feelings weren’t growing for you because if they were your friend you wouldn’t want to hurt them in that way.
The friends with benefits thing is not always a good idea. Although you and your friend may come to an agreement to just keep it sexual and not emotional one person can become emotionally attached. While the other person may not feel the same way. This can leave someone hurt. But in some cases a friends with benefits status can lead to a posible relationship.
Unfortunately as much as us guys would love for this to be real I’m going to have to totally agree with you that this friends with benefits situation is totally impossible and is a definite fail. No matter how much we try to keep our emotions out of it at the end of the day when your intimate with someone friend or not emotions run wild. I believe sex is an expressed emotion and although sex today is considered casual and no big deal we are all human beings and we all feel. It’s hard to detach from a person when your sleeping with them. Especially if cuddling and kissing is followed after sex. We may not even realize it but there are so many emotions being felt and shared amongst the two of you. It is actually scientifically proven that a woman releases a chemical after intercourse that brings her closer to a man and makes her feel attached to a man. I guess this could give you an idea of what might be going on inside her mind.
I’m going to play devil advocate here and suggest that all of you are right and wrong. Let me explain: I am currently in my second “friends with benefits” scenario. Both have been initiated by me. The first one occurred several years ago after a long hiatus from any emotional or sexual relationship with someone who I despised on a personal and professional level. From the beginning we agreed that it was a mutually beneficial sexual relationship with no strings attached. I can only speak for myself since he turned out to be exactly the person I knew he was, but there were “feelings” of attachment on my part. However, I was the one that ended the affair because I knew he wasn’t right for me – not only that, but the sex became dull and robotic. I did not have issues with ending it, I did not do all the things girls do when a relationship ends. I was not unhappy because I didn’t have him, I was unhappy because the sex was gone. This second “benefits” affair is currently ongoing. This again was initiated by me after yet another seven year drought; and the same “rules of engagement” exist; mutually beneficial sex, no strings attached. However this time my partner has added that if he finds a person to be in a relationship with, the sex will be over. I am also ok with this because here is yet another man whom I really don’t like as a friend; we once dated in high school 25 years ago; so quite possibly I am trying to reconcile unresolved issues, but I reiterate, I do not want an emotional relationship. So, the slut/prude debate can continue with this one question: Am I a slut for having two “friends with benefits” affairs with a seven year vacancy of any relationship between them? In my opinion, a “friends with benefits” relationship can exist for women. I also would like to point out that I know exactly why I am able to do this. Every male figure in my life that I have trusted has betrayed that trust in such a way that it is not repairable. I am emotionally challenged and I know it. I have trust issues with men and find that living single (divorced) and independent works for me. But I am also a living breathing sexual human being that wants and desires sexual contact – even if the cuddling and kissing are phony, it still feels good and fulfills a need. Do I believe that this second affair will not lead to me feeling emotionally attached to my partner on some level? I’m not stupid, of course I will, but my need to live independently is stronger than my need to open myself up emotionally to any man. So, without some deep seeded emotional issues, no, a “friends with benefits” affair can not stay gold. Neither can one with emotional detachment. But is sure as hell is fun while it lasts.
Rather enlightening, looking frontward to coming back.