Hi Dr. Pinhas,
So when we were on the topic of birth control I called my aunt and asked her what she thinks my mom would do if I brought the subject up. (I’m not close with my mom, so I never really talk to her about this stuff) My aunt said that my mom actually recently brought up the topic with her and said that she’s against the idea of my going on birth control. After hearing that I feel like it would be awkward to bring up with my mom. How should I go about bringing it up?
Response from Dr. Pinhas
You should be straight on direct with your mother in spite of knowing that she’s against the idea of you going on birth control. One very important question… you guys use language in a weird way. Is she against you taking hormonal contraception? Is that what you think she means? Or is she against you using any method of contraception ? Generally speaking, a mom would have to be in “la- la land” if she knew her daughter was sexually active and was against her using any methods to prevent pregnancy unless she felt that having a baby was out of one’s control and was God’s will.!!!!! Sooooo…. the real question is whether she is having a problem with “the pill”? My assumption is this is what you are having a hard time confronting her about.
Ask her what are her objections to hormones? Make sure you have data from class or from the internet ( RELIABLE, PLEASE) that speaks to the risks and benefits of oral contraceptives in your age range with your health history. We’ve discussed this in class, ad nauseam, so you should be in good shape to intellectually discuss the pros and cons with her. Start by asking, ” Mom, can I talk to you about something that is bothering me? Aunt so and so said that you were having a hard time with the idea of me going on birth control…. what are you having a problem with specifically? I am your baby, I get that, but we all have to admit that I am also an adult and I want to have an adult conversation with you….. Can we finally reallly… really talk PLEEEEEEASE….” This should get her attention.
One thing that troubles me in your question.. you said that you are not close with her. Whatever issues are in the way of your relationship with her might also get flushed out in the birth control conversation. Maybe these issues are really what the problem is in preventing you from talking to her.
I can completely relate to her. My mom and I arent that close and when ever ive tryed bringing up the topic of me getting the ‘pill’ she always has negative comments to say about it, and doesnt seem to agree. She tells me, “oh its not good for you”.. “oh if u take the pill in the future you wont be able to have kids”. And alot of what she says scares me because im not sure if shes just making this up because she doesnt know what else to say to me? The problem is ive been wanting to go on birth control pill for a long time because alot of my friends have been and im just as sexually active as them,i just dont want my mom to freak out like she has been when ive brought the topic up.
A.L
I totally understand where she is coming from. An extremely close friend of mine has been struggling for over a couple years now with a similiar situation. In her case its as almost as if her mom doesnt want to believe she is sexually active so talk of the “pill” is always an uncomfortable one.I feel so incredibly fortunate that my mom had open ears to this situation for me. Im not saying it was easy for there were quite a few emotional “my daughter is growing up moments”, but overall it wasn’t such a headache. This is why i encourage any girl who wants to go on the “pill” to just be open with their mother or whoever they feel responsible. As hard as it may be you eventually get through to them and then it will all be worth it. And possibly overcoming this situation can absolutely bring a mother and daughter closer together.
I can see where she is coming from. me and my mom used to not have a good relationship but now we are very close. my mother took me to get birth control and talked to the doctor with me so we knew what pill would be best for me. we began to talk about how it will help with my cramping and if i had any questions i could always talk to her about it and she would always be there. i think she should go to her mother and try talking to her and explain to her why she wants the birthcontrol and that she should trust her daughter. i’ve known people who have gone behind their mothers back and gotten birth control without their permission and the mom was upset and also hurt that her daughter would not come to her for help. she should go to her mom and just bring it up lightly and begin to talk about it calmly and it will bring them closer together.
I really don’t talk to my mom about anything like this. She tries to bring up the topic of sex or using condoms and i just go okay mom and walk away. But i wanted to go on birth control like a year ago not just to keep me from getting pregnant but also because i would get terrible period cramps and get so sick. I told my mom that that was a major reason for wanting it. So me and my friend both decided that we should go to the gynecologist bc i was deff not going there on my own and we went ourselves and got prescribed birth control and my mom doesn’t have to know anything about it. So if you really want it and don’t want to have to talk to your mom about it you can do it on your own and she doesn’t have to no anything. If that doesn’t bother you then you should try it. Its really easy and totally worth it.
I know the feeling of being uncomfortable discussing sex with their mothers. I’ve been with my boyfriend about 2 years now and she told me that if I ever need to speak with her then I should feel free to do so, but I’m nervous bringing up the topic, I wish she would actually bring it up. I’m fortunate to be very close to my mom, I tell her almost everything, with the exception of my sex life. I have a feeling she knows I’m active, and I know I should have the “guts” to go to her if I feel I’m responsible enough to be having sex. Ive thought about getting it behind her back with my older sister, but after hearing what these other girls have said I know my mom would feel slighted knowing I wasn’t comfortable going to her, like she has done something wrong. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have to “man up” and tell her we need to talk, I’m almost 19, I should be up front and responsible and get birth control with her.
Thanks Dr. Pinhas for everything you’ve taught me in your class, it’s been my favorite class so far, you’ve really made an impact on me :D