Hi Dr. Pinhas!
It’s M from your human sexuality class. Okay so after reading my final essay for Human Sexuality, you should know a little about my situation with just recently losing my virginity. Hmm, so I remember you saying that a woman’s first time having sexual intercourse might include mild discomfort but the first couple of time I’ve had sexual intercourse it was pretty painful. I’ve counted and I’ve had sexual intercourse with my boyfriend 7 times and all 7 times it was painful! Why? We always have to stop because I can’t take it at some point. WHEN WILL IT STOP HURTING?! and HOW CAN I PREVENT THIS FROM HURTING?!
Response from Dr Pinhas
I am soooo sorry that sexual intercourse is painful for you. It sounds to me like your dyspareunia may be due to a number of reasons. First of all, you are probably trying to “get this over with” which isn’t a highly erotic way of being. You may be so eager to finish with this virginity business that you lost your erotic potential along the way. You need some sexual desire and sexual excitement in order to want and enjoy sexual activity. SO if intercourse is becoming your goal, this in and of itself is part of the problem. What you need to participate in is a sensate focus– a non-demand, non-goal oriented turn taking pleasuring exercises to help you relax and want to have sex. Second, if you are anxious, your PC muscles at the opening of the vaginal introitus are going to be contracted and restricted, which is going to make intercourse ever so painful. Third, you are probably not lubricated which will make increase fiction of the penis rubbing against the walls of your vagina— a painful OUCH! Fourth, initial entry of the penis, going past the PC muscles always feels slightly painful unless you are having a lot of intercourse. The more sexual intercourse that you engage in, the less painful intial entry should be. Considering, this is your 7th time, initial intromission of the penis into the vagina will hurt for a minute or two. You then should relax your muscles, and be groovin’…. But this does not sound like the case. Soooo, I suggest, a sensate focus. No Sexual intercourse unless you are wet. In addition, use a water soluble lubricant like Astroglide or KY water soluble jelly. A word to the wise, please use birth control because you don’t want to complicate your situation. Let me know how it goes. Blog back PLEASE!!
When I lost my virginity I remember having a similar situation. It wasn’t unbearingly painful but it was slightly uncomfortable for the first five times or so. I got nervous that sex would always be like that, but was very relieved when my gyno told me that it was normal. Also, at the time I liked the idea of sex way better than I actually enjoyed it, so I was mainly doing it to get it over with. Thankfully that stage is over and now I do it because it feels good and not just because its sex.
I totally understand your problem. When i first started having sex with my boyfriend it hurt so bad for the first week. But since we kept trying it became comfortable and enjoyable. Im sure it will work out just fine with you. Sex in my opinion was not fun the first few times it hurt like hell.
please keep my name anonymous thank you
before taking your class i never knew why having sex was so painful and i always just thought it was because it was the first few times but i became concerned after the “few” times were over. i would go through the same thing where sex would be extremely painful and i would just try and suck it up so my partner could finish but recently it became so unbearable that at times i would actually start to tear. the last few times my pc muscles would actually contract to the point where he couldnt even get it. i was completely relaxed and had the sexual desire to do it but for some reason we couldnt get it to work. after your lesson the other week in class about dysperuenia and vaginismus (idk if i spelled that right) i realized thats what i have and i think i might know the reason behind it and realized that it might be time for therapy. my boyfriend and i decided to not have sex until this is resolved and he even offered to come with me. ive never been so grateful to have a class and to have learned as much as i have. i definitely look froward to your class every week and wish i wouldve learned all of this sooner. its crazy how uneducated about sex we really are.
When I first had intercourse, both my girlfriend and I were virgins. She had heard from her girlfriends that it would be uncomfortable, tight and painful, the first time, maybe the first few times. I had heard from my guy friends the same thing: that I should go easy; it would probably hurt her; and I might have to touch her inside with my finger because a penis may not fit. I think much of this has to do with nervousness and clenching, but obviously the muscles need to get used to the sensation of penetration.
It was nothing like we’d been told, and I actually slipped in very easily. I know that she was disappointed that there wasn’t more sensation and stimulation from having me moving inside her. She wanted sky rockets going off inside her, and it was just a let-down. She asked me to shift positions a few times, and I did my best, but our parts just weren’t a good fit. I knew that my penis is small, but I didn’t expect it to be so apparent in how she felt. It was a good learning experience for me, and it applies to the original question and the commets before mine. Whether too loose and lacking stimulation or too tight and painful, vaginal penetrative intercourse is only part of human physical intimacy, and it sometimes just can’t be the ultimate goal or main event.