Intrafamilial Sexual Abuse: Not again!

Dr. Pinhas
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years. When he found out about the incest in my family and what my step father did to me he shared a very personal secret as well. He told me his grandfather also sexually abused his younger sister (who now is 9). What is sick is that his mother — she still allows the grandfather to visit and come around because its her father and he’s “old”. He still comes over for holidays and dinners just to visit. This makes me absolutely sick. They talk and they play as if nothing ever even happened. They are basically telling his younger sister that being molested is okay and that they don’t even care about her mental and physical well being. This is causing an issue because I lost all respect for his mother and when his grandparents come by i never want to be around.  He always asks me why but i just don’t feel like I can admit that to him. I can tell that he is brainwashed as well and feel its too sore of a topic and then maybe he would regret telling me. I just cant help how I feel after everything i’ve gone through to be in the presence of a pedophile makes me sick. And i’m so nervous about how she is going to grow up, i really feel she is going to have serious psychological problems and I feel so helpless. Not to mention this is causing alot of tension between my boyfriend and I. Im stuck and I dont know what to do. Help!

Response from Dr. Pinhas
The reason you are stuck about being sick and not knowing what to do about your boyfriends’ family denial about the incestuous grandfather is because you are not finished with your issues in your family of origin where your stepfather molested you for over ten years. It is bad enough to feel repulsed by intrafamilial sexual abuse when you haven’t experienced it personally, but in your case, you are profoundly hypersensitive to the issues, because no one has dealt with this in your family.  Did your mother eventually find out that your stepfather was abusing you?  How did she deal with it? How did she deal with you and your sibling? What were the outcomes in your family of origin?  I know that in spite of the abuse, you were a straight A student but that is only one sphere of your life…  Your dissociation, your protection against the abuse  is alive and well, and it will be hard to become sexually functional given your need to shut down sexual feelings as a protection. Your reaction to your abuse and your boyfriend’s little sister are completely understandable. L are you in treatment?

I can only hypothesize about your boyfriend’s mother.  Her acceptance of her father’s behavior may indicate that she was also abused as a youngster and stayed in denial as well… particularly if she is allowing her father around her daughter… Failure to protect  their children is the hallmark of women who have been sexually abused as children themselves.  This seems to be in operation here in your boyfriends family.  Without me doing a clincal intake on this family, you must allow this idea to be a working proposition– not a fact.  What is making you sick is the collusion that your boyfriend’s mother has with her father, the grandfather.  You are clearly identifying with his 9 year old sister.  If you were truly resolved about your own sexual abuse, you could VOICE your feelings. You could discuss what is happening in your boyfriends family with him and his mother.. you could OUT the secret…  You must have some complicated ambivalent feelings about your mother as well… What prevents you from calling him on his brainwashed ideation? Dare I say that fear of creating an imbalance with abandonment overtones, rocking the boat,  in the family- yours and his, is what is causing your hesitation about using a voice.

The tension you feel between you and your boyfriend is about his collusion with his family of origin.. not just about him revealing his family secret with you. Ask him if he think these types of relationships are normal? He will no doubt tell you no they are not. So ask him if he can understand your reaction and identification with his sister. If he has any empathy, he will tell you that he can understand your feelings. Tell him denial about the incest is worse than useless.. It will keep his sister from getting the help she needs, and prevent his mother from healing a weakened relationship with her daughter. His mother needs to have an opportunity to evaluate her early background with her father as well.

If your boyfriend is completely unreasonable about your feelings, you need to re-examine who your boyfriend really is as a person and whether your needs count in the relationship. One thing you must keep yourself open to is that patterns of incest are modeled for young boys when they grow up in families that confuse sexuality with nurturing. Your boyfriends family of origin may fit this pattern. Please keep your eyes open to this fact. If your beaux feels pressure not to look at his feelings and his behavior, please be aware that  loose boundaries may get recreated  between you and your boyfriend if you decide to set up a family of your own.  Please contact me privately.  There is so much more I want to say to you!!