Human Sexual Responsiveness : The Elusive Big “O”

HI! I was just listening to the show on WUSB, never heard it before but it was great to listen to especially since you were on, i heard some great advice! In either case I have a big question I have been too embarrassed to ask anyone, and although I did want to call up and ask my ex boyfriend who i still “see” listens to WUSB a lot and i didn’t want anyone to recognize me. SO here it is…

I am 22 years old, I have been with 2 partners. I seem to have a very high sex drive and I do enjoy it very much, however I have a very hard time “getting wet” or if i do it seems to stop when intercourse starts. And aside from that I have never experienced an orgasm neither through sex nor masturbation. My partner tries different things and even though the sex might be great, I don’t experience what most people keep telling me about! On that note, my mother does passion parties (adult home parties) so i have read some of her book, tried some enhancement creams, tried some vibrating toys during sex, read up online about things my body may be lacking (like water, soy etc) or exercises to help out but nothing helps me get wet/have an orgasm. So it is very frustrating for me since I can not experience this thing everyone talks about and it is extremely frustrating to my parnter, he sees it as he is not turning me on and that’s not the case. I wish i knew what I could do to fix this and that is why I figured I would ask you and see if you have some advice to offer, because that would be wonderful!

PS-  I think it may be a mental thing, I experienced a lot of walking in on parents and their partners growing up and it really affected me when i was younger, i wonder if that is my block? I wish i knew! :/

Thanks SOOOO much!!

J

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Hi J.  I’m glad you liked the radio show last night on 90.1 FM Unsported Talk Radio.  We had fun!  Now on to your question.  You indicate that you have a hugh sex drive.. I take that to mean that you have desire for sex.  The late George Carlin would call that the “wanna”–  the desire to have sex.  Your problem, from the best that I can assess on line, with little to go on, doesn’t seem to be in the desire phase of sexuality.  The problem as you are experiencing it seems to be in the excitement phase and the orgasm phase.. the failure to lubricate and the failure to orgasm. You state that it is even difficult to bring yourself to orgasm by masturbation.  In your question, you give me a hint of what the problem may be.  Mom, has passion parties… adult home parties and you have walked in on them and their partners growing up.  I think you’ve put your finger on the locus of the problem— that is, a major anxiety about overwhelming erotic feelings, more than your little psyche, could handle as a youngster.  It seems that your lack of eroticism is your way of protecting yourself from an earlier fear of being flooded by anxious erotic feelings.  The unconsious does this– it will give you a symptom without understanding the narrative below the symptom. If you were not being parented with appropriate boundaries but exposed to a sexual environment  that was overstimulating, you will take on the job of parenting yourself ( a protective, unyielding super-ego) which leaves you safe from the unwarranted sexual overstimulation of the “there and then” as a little girl, but causes you to have a lack of responsiveness with your boyfriend in the “here and now”.  Unfortunately, there are no tricks of the trade or sexpert advice that can heal this.  If this is really bugging you and you want to try and get to the bottom of it and heal yourself, your choice would be to engage in some sexual therapy.  I’d be more than happy to make a referral for you. Call me at the telephone number listed  on the website longislandsextherapy.com