hi professor Pinhas
every time i go to family parties the women tell me how great i am because i help out my mom and i am very mature for my age but i cant find any girl that is as mature as me in the same age range what to you think i should do?
M
Response from Dr. Pinhas
SO you happen to be one of those guys who women love and appreciate as they get older. Chronological age does not determine maturity. There are so many “adults” that are still little guys in their hearts and attitudes. Maturity is part genetics, part psychological, based on how you were raised. You need a mature woman (see the blog on the oedipus complex). I wouldn’t get stuck on the age range of a girl but rather look for characteristics that attract you. If you are not troubled by going out with a woman that is older than you, than you go for it. But don’t confuse her age with maturity. Relationships don’t have to be determined by age unless you are very conventional. It’s not about age but about personality, character and connection. Your question raises many questions. I wonder if you are concerned about conventionality? Would your family frown upon your going out with someone older? How much of an age difference is acceptable to you? It is really about finding the “right” one. Blog back with your thoughts and answers to my questions. Anyone else have thoughts on this topic?
You are not the only one who finds this a problem. I just cannot stand mentally and emotionally immature girls. My friends tell me that I am being too picky and that no girl is going to be perfect. I’m not asking for a girl to be perfect. I just have standards. To me it is the emotional and mental maturity of a girl that I find most attractive. My firends girlfriend talks like she is five and quite honestly acts like it, and it drives me insane. I feel like if I were going to consider a relationship, it would not be fair to the girl if I deep down know that I’m not going to be fully comitted and honest with her. The girls that I have found that are mature are always older than me and they seem to be “conventional”, making my age a problem. Dr. Pinhas, do you think that my philosophy is reasonable or I am just being too picky?
You have to be true to your value system and heart. You are not being too picky. As time passes you will meet all sorts of women younger and older who have varying maturity levels. Your task will be to find the”one” that hits the spot in terms of maturity and connectability. Believe me there are plenty of young women considerably older than you but still young enough to meet your needs; the problem is that while you are in college, your classmates( the available pool of potential girlfriends) tend to be your age which exacerbates your issue. When you are out in the work world, the opportunities for older or younger emotionally mature women will present themselves. Don’t settle.
Hmmm.. I don’t think either of you are being picky. I understand 100% how you are feeling because I’m a female and I find myself having the same issue with guys my age. Maturity is a highly valued characteristic in a mate for me. After dating an older guy for such a long time, breaking up with him opened my eyes to the lack of “maturity” guys my own age have. I never noticed it til after I was with this person. But, the more I think about it, I don’t think it’s an age thing. Instead, it’s all a matter of whether a person of ANY age possesses good judgment or uses discretion. If one really thinks about it, what we truly desire is a partner who is prudent and who makes wise choices- who goes about handling life’s situations in a certain, sensible way. Or someone who has a keen sense of how to behave and speak in public situations so that they don’t come across like a “five year old.” There is a sensitivity needed to avoid embarrassing or upsetting others. If a person possesses this, they are considered to be “mature.”
I too am in the same boat as the rest. This past thanksgiving my Aunt and my Mother both were saying how I am such a great person and how I will make a women very lucky in my life. I would not like to settle at all either, and although I look for perfection I understand that perfection is not always available. As for some of your questions you asked, Dr. Pinhas. My family would not frown upon me having an older girlfriend, although they would if she was younger. Which brings me to the point that I have met older women who were very mature but then again I have also met younger women who are sometimes even more mature then the older ones. I do not think the topic of age is about a certain age being acceptable because to me if the personality and the connection is there, maybe age could be something that does not really matter? I believe it really does come down to maturity rather then age because I can be more myself around someone at a maturity level around mine rather then being embarrassed around someone who still has a 7th grade mentality.
Sure, D, maturity doesn’t necessarily correlate with age. I get you.
I unexpectedly became involved with a guy 7yrs older than me, which might not seem like a HUGE difference, but being only 20 during it made it seem more significant. I got over the age difference better than he did. We were at the same maturity level, but at totally dif. stages in life… I was only half way through college & working a part-time job not exactly in my career path, while he was working full time and just bought his own house. Even though we had such a fantastic connection, the outside factors kinda killed it.
I’ve been with a 24yr old who was as mature as a 15yr old boy, so age was really just a number. What I’m saying is that in my experience, age doesn’t matter as much as “maturity” plus being headed towards the same path together with the same expectations of it.
I’ve always been into older guys, being very mature for my age, and some people just assume I must just have ‘daddy issues’ or just want an older man to buy me nice things. They don’t really take into account either person’s maturity level. So the matter of age really ticks me off.
Hi Its Dr. Pinhas — the following was posted by A, it was sent in under Ask a question, I thought it had merit here under relationships and maturity.
Hello Prof. Pinhas,
I have never had a boyfriend, but I feel I will be very picky when it comes to choosing a one. I look at life with maturity and I want a guy the same way. I am a person that plans everything before taking any step: I want to finish college and then think about dating. I am timid and sometimes indecisive and I tend to be distrustful. My parents has always said to me never trust anyone even the person you think you can trust in, never trust in them completely and this is kind of ingrained in me. Will these qualities affect me in my search for the perfect guy? I’m not sure if you mentioned it in class or my high school teacher said it: Is it true that people tend to choose mates with same qualities as their parents?
Anonymous
From my perspective lack of trust makes it hard to be ultimately intimate. You might always hold something of yourself back. There is always a balance between giving yourself over completely and keeping some of yourself in reserve. And yes our selected love objects are similiar to our parents or a selection that indicates a reaction to our parents.
you are not the only one in this situation. I don’t believe myself to be picky but I have yet to have a boyfriend. Granted I am only 19 I feel that I have a maturity level of someone much older. The problem with that is everyone around my age I find to be immature and still act like children. I look after kids as a job. I don’t need to take care of my boyfriend also. For me age is just a number, and as long as they are on my level of maturity and path in life then thats whats important to me.
This is an interesting question because I have experienced personally dating someone a few years older than me, as has my younger sister. I think it all depends. Over the age of eighteen, two consenting adults.. I don’t think age matters all that much. Personally, the largest age difference I’ve ever dated was six years (I was 22; he, 28.) I saw no issue with this, and neither did my family. However, my younger sister began dating her ex-boyfriend when she was 15. He was 24 at the time. While I do not personally see a problem with a nine-year age difference at this point in my life, I do believe that a fifteen-year old and a twenty four-year old are (generally) in completely different places when it comes to maturity, sexual experience/maturity, lifestyle desires, etc. I saw a lot of issues between the two of them mostly stemming from the fact that she was still in high school and he had already graduated from college. His friends, her friends were uncomfortable together. She felt she couldn’t tell our mom his real age for fear of her being upset. There were questions in my mind about his intentions, such as “why doesn’t he just date a girl his own age? what is it he wants her for?” and I was admittedly a bit disappointed when she lost her virginity to him. She’s since decided that the age difference was too much (amongst other issues) and she has moved on stating that she will no longer be dating anyone more than a year or two older. I think if she were thirty and he were thirty-nine and they had similar desires and goals, it would have been a completely different story. However, at 15 and 24… it just seemed weird.
Dr. Pinhas when i was in highschool and had girlfriends they were all immature– only 1 or two which i could find that wasn’t, but now that I’m in college i’ve experienced girls to be a lot more maturer, so i feel age does play a big role with maturity because you need experience in life to actually mature.
This is actually a great topic. I’m a female and after breaking up with my first and only boyfriend of almost 3 years, I’ve come to the realization that finding somebody comes down to one’s one interests, values, and standards. Maturity is what it’s all about–not neccesarily age. I am really mature for my age (I’m 18), and I know that because of it I seem to come off prudish or lacking of fun in my life. All the guys I’ve met after my break up are SO cute, but I know I would just be settling for looks and going against everything I’ve ever said about finding somebody. After my breakup I promised myself I wouldn’t settle, but I’m surrounded by tons of guys whose idea of a good time is going clubbing every single weekend and getting high on a daily basis. I am not willing to sacrifice my standards just to get with a guy. On the other hand, sometimes it seems like settling is the only reasonable thing to do for fear of never finding anybody! I know I’m young and will, with time, be exposed to many, many more people, but as of now (like Dr. Pinhas said in the response) the available pool of potential boyfriends are around my age and, the ones I’ve met, are not really worth dating or taking seriously. However, it’s not all age. I’ve met guys in their 20s who still don’t know what they want and have ‘head up ass’ syndrome. I guess when we’re meant to find the one it will happen.
To me age is just a number, all people can be at all different kinds of maturity levels. When trying to find someone to be in a relationship with i don’t necessarily think age matters or even maturity because everyone has their immature moments. I think it’s more about being with someone that has the same interest as you and shares the same outlook on life that you do. One of my friends was engaged to someone that was 27 years old and she was only 19. Anyone would look at the age difference and think it wouldn’t work and even though it didn’t i don’t think it was due to the fact of age. It was more so with the fact that they both had different plans that they wanted to do with themselves. Being a lot older or younger can make people just want to experience life differently. to me it all depends if you are willingly to make that commitment to someone.