Oedipal Complex: Who’se ya Daddy

hey dr. pinhas,

i was thinking about today’s lecture and how you were talking about how little boys go through this phase in which they’re completely crazy about their mothers and how girls go through the exact opposite. my cousin, sofia, is about to turn seven and she’s always been absolutely crazy about me and cannot leave me alone. she’s gotta be sitting on my lap and playing with my hair and giving me hugs and asking me to pick her up and such. is sofia crazy about me because of that phase? is she gonna grow out of it? her older sister used to be the same way with me but has sort of calmed down with the whole david worship lol. i dont want sofia to grow out of the whole worshipping me thing! i love being cool cousin david!! haha

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Freud’s notion of the oedipal complex for girls and boys between the ages of 3-5 years is very much alive and well in almost all cultures of the world.  The naysayers of Freud’s oedipal theory of  children, only have to observe  children’s behavior to see how  dramatic oedipal displays of affection and sexuality may be demonstrated towards the opposite sex parent.  Little girls hang all over their daddy’s bodies and display all sorts of curiosity about their genitalia  in eye-popping wonderment.  Little boys display sexual arousal at the sight of their mother’s breasts and genitalia which has a distinctly different feel at the ages of 3-5 years old versus 18 months to 30 months old.  When boys and girls are pre-oedipal, a parent can feel a need based affective state from their children.  When boys and girls are oedipally oriented a parent can feel a child’s growing sexual interest in them as well as a romantic one .

There are multiple examples of children expressing their oedipal longings in their interactions with the outside world.   A patient told me that her 3 year old daughter wanted to play “Pretty Pink Princess” with her and her husband.  Her daughter said ” Daddy, you be the King, and I’ll be the Princess.”  When my patient asked her daughter what role she could play, the daughter responded, “Mommy, you can be the ugly Green Dragon!!  By way of another example, the parents of an oedipal 3 year old little girl, playing at the shore front with her pail and shovel, came barreling down the beach when she saw her mother kiss her father.  She jumped on her mother and claimed, ” that’s my Daddy, no kisses from you!!”   It is not uncommon for a little oedipal boy to stare at his mother’s  “boobies and nippies” and express interest in wanting  to touching them.  Tuned in mothers report an uncanny sense that their sons are seriously sexualized in their thoughts and feelings toward them. Often times a boy will express his sexualized longings toward dolls.  One grandmother expressed her concern about  her 4 year old grandson’s sexual orientation upon finding him behind closed bathroom doors preoccupied with her granddaughter’s Barbie doll.  I asked her what was the state of the Barbie Doll when you discovered him playing with it.  She answered, that the top  had been pulled down to expose the plastic breasts and the legs were spread apart with no clothing on the lower Barbie torso.  I laughed and told her not to worry because  “he wants to be with the Barbie, not like the Barbie.”

Not unlike a little girl who embarks on an oedipal rivalry with her mother, a little boy has his rivalries with his father as well.  Clinically I have heard little boys say the most bold things: ” I want only mommy to give me water, you go away daddy”; ” Can daddy go to work forever and sleep in my room when he comes home… I’ll sleep with mommy in her bed”; “Daddy, you get a divorce.” The list of oedipal rivalrous statements is limited by only how imaginative a child is, regardless of its gender.  The resolve of the oedipal complex for little boys is to ultimately identify with his father so as to avoid the anxieties of bodily harm (castration anxiety), and give up his wish for his mother.  But thank god for mother substitutes… in all likelihood he will be on his search for a type of woman that matches how successfully he navigated  his unique oedipal configuration.  All of these wishes, longings, anxieties and fears for little boys are repressed and not readily accessible to his conscious mind.  For little girls, repression of her longing and desire for her daddy are never entirely repressed and are more available for her to contemplate. When I bring these issues up in class for discussion, did you notice that the guys were grossed out at actually once sexually longing for their mothers when they were little guys? The women, on the other hand, had vivid recollections of being a “daddy’s girl” or hurt and disappointed that their fathers were not responsive to their wishes.

This brings us to you and your six year old cousin Sofia.  It certainly seems that if she is all over you, sitting on your lap, playing with your hair and making you pay extraordinary attention to her, you are the heir apparent to her oedipal longings.  Many of the young women in my class who babysit oedipal age boys report the same type of attention shown to them, albeit,  a little more sexualized. ( Boys wanting to rub their breasts and butt and want to sit on their  babysitters’ laps; they want to  hug and kiss them as well).  Not unlike Sofia’s parents, you have one major responsibility to her which is to understand the meaning of this phase to her and  to help her  successfully navigate her way to a  healthy resolution.  Parents should not    oedipally  reject or seduce a child but, rather, should respond lovingly and appropriately to the child’s growing sexual attraction, in a parentally controlled, self-limited way. Boundaries are important if oedipal wishes are bestowed upon you.  You can enjoy her adoring you and love the “David Worship”,  but suppose she wants to rub herself up against you?  Do you reject and reprimand her?  Do you respond to her sexual gestures toward you?  No.   You lightheartdly,  laugh, pat her on the head, and remove her and you from the sexual situation.  This keeps both you and her safe from whatever sexual longings emerge.  If she, not unlike her older sister, calms down from “David Worship”,  you respect her transition to a new psychosexual stage of latency.  You do not foster your wishes to be idolized upon her but, instead, you become her  “cool” cousin that goes with the flow in whatever endeavors she wants to explore as  she reaches later childhood.  (Kids get into collections of “stuff”  at this stage and you might  “collect”  with her.) Not to fret, if you have a loving and warm relationship with her, she will always be fond of you but not necessarily in such a demonstrative way.  Any way, you are in for a surprise because  the oedipal configuration  surfaces  again during young adolescence. Remember to be loving and approving of her sexual and romantic interest in you in a CONTROLLED, SELF-LIMITED, BOUNDARY- MINDFUL WAY.  It sounds like you will always be her “cool cousin David.”