Hi Dr. Pinhas,

I am honest with you that I think my penis is too small.  However,  I met two women and they told me that my penis is so small as 5″ because my small penis is limited by various sex positions or limited sexual opportunity.  They wish that I have a huge penis as 7″ or up because they just thought my penis is very small compared with other men. Is it  possible to achieve if I follow to the penis exercise program?

Cowboy Antonio

Response from Dr. Pinhas,

Antonio… I am  sorry that you are living with penis size anxiety…. This phenomena plagues men from all walks of life and at various stages in psycho sexual development, particularly starting in early adolescence.  It makes men vulnerable to “snake oil” sales/marketing scams for a thousand ways to increase penis size.  I think a little information is in order here to help allay your fears and clarify reality.

Boys often times connect their penis size with their concept of masculine adequacy…. that is a large penis ( whatever this means, which will  be discussed further down the blog) makes them more of a man, either in other boys’, eyes or most certainly in the eyes of women. Boys draw conclusions about penis size in various ways…. either undressing in locker rooms, “eyeing” each other in public urinals and recently watching porn either on TV or internet related.  The porn piece is particularly skewed, in that guys who aspire to  be porn stars,  are selected by casting directors because they are seen as having physically large penises.  (Cinemographic techniques,  are also used for trickery).   This then sets the standard for the average purveyor of externalized sexual fantasies captured on film.  What makes matters even worse is that men believe that that a large penis size is what really excites women sexually.  ( Scientific evidence suggests that both lesbian and straight women are “turned on” by images of naked women exposing their genitalia -men’s genitalia do not create vaginal lubrication in female research subjects exposed to naked images of men).  Women may tell men that they want a man with an endowed penis but when reality is brought to bear and he is thrusting deeply inside of her shouting,…… ” let me give it to you baby,” her reaction may be starkly,  the opposite.  Deep pelvic thrusting for many women hurts, although a minority of women may like this type of  sexual contact.  When some dude is banging up against the cervix and causing  one’s uterine ligaments to do a fast stretching, the pain may be  excruciating.  Furthermore, deep pelvic thrusting ( with a large or not so large penis, in certain sexual intercourse positions can cause the ovaries to  shift with each thrust.  Since ovarian tissue is the same as testicular tissue in terms of sensitivity , deep thrusting against the cervix can jar an ovary which can be equally as painful as getting “kicked in the nuts.”  At times like these,  images of a large penis is not endearing to women. So on this account, gentlemen, reframe your thoughts.

In addition, Antonio, FYI, penis size is not related to race, ethnicity, body type,  whether one is circumcised, the size of one’s hands and feet or any external bodily variable. Exercises do not make a penis grow.  There is no muscle fiber running through the cavernous, spongy bodies of the penis.  There is plenty of musculature surrounding  the root of the penis where it is inserted into the groin, but this has nothing to do with the size of the penis. Only blood flow known as vasocongestion makes a penis big and hard.  Some young boys have communicated to me the erroneous belief that, the more they use their penises the bigger they will get.  Ah, the power of fantasy to fulfill one’s dreams…. but alas, this is not true.  For all the male masturbation practiced in America, if usage was correlated with penis size, men would need wheelbarrows to cart around their turgid members. LOL.  Men have all sorts of variations in term of of  penile shapes and sizes which is, however, actually determined by their genetics…. nothing more than that… plain old fashion biological predetermination.

So does penis size have anything to do with sexually satisfying a woman in terms of orgasm?  A large penis has virtually nothing to do with bringing a woman to orgasm.   A little information is needed here on  female sexual anatomical physiology and on how women have orgasms.  The back two-thirds of the vaginal canal have virtually no nerve endings that would matter in producing an orgasm, so a man’s penis size is irrelevant in terms of bringing her to orgasm via sexual intercourse.  The nerve endings that need stimulation for producing an orgasm in  a woman are  located on her clitoris, which is external and PERHAPS, her G-spot (see the female ejaculation blog for further information) which might produce a vaginal orgasm.  Most women do not have orgasms internally from their G-spots.  As a matter of fact, the late Helen Singer Kaplan, a pioneer in sexual therapy, believed that only 25% of women “came” from sexual intercourse.  Other sexual researchers and therapists believe that the ratio of clitoral orgasm to vaginal orgasm is more in the order of %50 to %50.  What this means is the vast number of women may enjoy sexual intercourse and the feelings intercourse  produces but you can stand them on their heads and have them spit wooden nickles, but to no avail are orgasms forthcoming.  They just are not capable of “coming” through sexual intercourse.  Nothing is wrong or dysfunctional about these women…. the bulk will orgasm via masturbation or cunnilingus…

Now that we know what women are capable of sexually, lets turn back to the size of a guy’s penis.  If he is sexually active with a woman who can come from sexual intercourse, all he needs is a penis at least 1-2 inches in size in the erect vasocongested state.  (Most flaccid penises are approximately anywhere between 2-5 inches and they become anywhere between 3-6″ in the erect state).  What he needs more than the size of his 2 inch penis,  is a partner who will assume the female dominant position of sexual intercourse so that she can determine the speed, flow and vigor in order for her to orgasm either from her g-spot or  indirectly through her clitoris.  A 2 inch  erect penis most certainly will stimulate the G-spot if a woman is on top. Six inches of penile thrusting in a “let me give it to you baby” paradigm is a porn inspired clique which is VERY OLD.  What women want in a man is tenderness, affection, and sensitivity to her sexual and emotional needs and his VOICE.  This is the definition of masculinity at its best.

Antonio, remember, its not the size of the ship, but the motion or the ocean.  LOL

Dear Dr. Pinhas,
My name is Nicole and I am in your Human Sexuality class. In class you  have taught us something that I know will change my relationship with my boyfriend dramatically. You taught us a 10 stage process that will change our sex lives forever. This process was called the Sensate Focus. This process was wonderfully designed for people who are having trouble with “making love” and are just having sex to get it done. I am not saying that I just do sex, but when my boyfriend wants to have sex he will introduce it in a very annoying way that does not turn me on but truthfully turns me off. I brought this process up with him and tried to explain it to him. Not only did he shoot it down but he also thought that I wasn’t into him anymore.. Please tell me how I can bring up this topic again to him and not scare him off. I want to get our sex life back on track where we both are wanting it and not just him .

By the way…I am going to miss your class so much next semester. You have taught me a lot of things that I try to re teach to my friends all the time to get them to understand topics that I didn’t  know before.

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Hi Nicole

I am soooo sorry that your boyfriend doesn’t understand the exercises that we talked about in class.  For people not familiar with the techniques of Sensate Focus, let me repeat them here.  These were originally sex therapy behavior modification techniques for both men and women who had performance anxiety leading to problems with desire/excitement and orgasm in women as well as erections in men.  These 10 sessions remove the pressure of sexual intercourse and start with non-genital touching and then move into the sensuality of  genital touching and tasting with no masturbatory or oral intentionality. Each one hour exercise builds upon the next with increasing levels of erotic touching.  Orgasm is built into the exercises  by masturbation only, after the full hour, if necessary.  We live in a society with so many demands for  sexual performance that both men and women suffer unnecessarily.  Women oftentimes feel that they must quickly conform to a man’s touch in a way that doesn’t allow relaxation and a slow build  to erotic sensual pleasure.  It is unfortunate that many women, as a general rule, “do sex” for their partners rather than “feel” sex for themselves.  They do not have the pleasure of learning their bodies in a slow sensual “stay in the erotic lustful moment” way.  They do not feel in charge of fellatio and feel unsure and insecure about cunnilingus.  They need to be able to respond to a “pianissimo”  touch on the part of their lovers.  These exercises take sexual intercourse out of the equation which takes the goal and demand of  sexual intercourse  out of the equation.  Performance to “come” is lessened; slow sensory awareness of erotic pleasure is intensified.  Pregnancy is avoided and STD’s are minimized.  Women typically feel very much more in control of their eroticism throughout the slow sensual one hour give and get turn- taking between partners.  Both partners need to put the emphasis on sensory sexual awareness without any demand for the expectation of performance or sexual “show”.  They learn to bring down their arousal and slowly stretch it out throughout increasing levels of sexual touch and arousal.  These exercises are the ultimate in erotically charged safe sex, where both partners have incredible control over their arousal. How cool is this???  My experience in teaching these exercises to multitudes of people is that the majority are thrilled to have an option to the laboriously boring male dominant “wham, bam, thank you, mam” oriented approach to sexual intercourse which leaves most women not only without orgasm but bored, angry, and unresponsive.  In many instances it leaves  guys with rapid ejaculation, or worse, erectile inhibition.

These exercises conform to an “abstinence only” model of sexuality and unfortunately, according to the feedback I’ve gotten from dogmatically religious types ( in contrast to feedback from a secularly oriented crowd) is considered by them as negative.  Those schooled in religious dogma feel not only that sex before marriage  is misguided and more importantly that LUST is sinful.  THIS  IS BUT ONE OF MANY PRE-SUPPOSITIONS THAT CREATES SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION. According  to those associated with these principles, sexual behavior is to be saved for marriage.  Do not misunderstand me.   There is nothing wrong with this value system for those who chose to conform to it.  But why must sexual lust or the experience of sexual excitement and arousal (a k a horniness) be sacrificed?  For example, when a couple takes marital vows and participates in sexual pleasuring, the ensuing guilt, shame,  and lack of sexual desire come flooding into the bedroom.   Just because someone says ” I DO” doesn’t decondition them from years of sexual guilt, shame, and inhibition just when they start to become sexually participatory. They cannot shed  their negative ideas about erotic feelings as being bad and wrong even though they may have taken vows.   As a result,  many women produce “anti- fantasies”.  These are thoughts which just  randomly come into their  heads to kill off  sexual desire.    If a girl/woman was raised on a diet of sexual negativity, whether she is married or not,  she may be producing all types of negative sexual ideation.  She may be  having sexual relations while thinking about her horribly  uncommunicative parents, the dog that needs to be walked, the sale at Bloomingdale’s, what to make for dinner, etc.  If her  partner is tuned in to her distance, he may sense her “far away” state and say to her  “come back to me baby, stay with me……”  But alas, she cannot seem to get herself in the mood for sex ( sexual desire) or turned on by sexual stimulation (sexual excitement).

When a man feels bored or anxious with performance oriented sexuality where he is responsible for the initiation of sexual behavior and orchestration of sexual behavior for both him and his partner, sensate focus might look awfully appealing to him as well.  Many a man would love to fulfill his “passivity” fantasies and allow a woman to slowly and sensually pleasure him in such a way that he doesn’t have to “work so hard” at being sexually active.    So sensate focus has benefits for both genders.

Nicole, as far as your boyfriend is concerned.  Explain to him that you want to try something different.  That the problem isn’t him… but you need something different, NOT SOMEONE different.  You want him to ” turn you on,” by a slow teasing, make you want to move to him” touch.  A touch that slowly drives you erotically crazy.  Ask him if he wants this for you as well as himself. If he doesn’t feel criticized, he may more than likely want to try and give both of  you a different sexual experience.  Tell him you just can’t jump into it.  Most women can’t jump into it.   Often they pretend that they do by faking orgasm.  Tell him you want something really meaningful with him, not just a fast f…….”  I am sure that he’ll get what you mean.

Dear Prof. Pinhas,

Firstly, I have to say you are an excellent professor and I am grateful to have you.

So I have a friend (female) who I’ve had sex a few times now. She considers me just her friend and if “anything happens, it happens.”
I respect her as a person and value her friendship, but I feel like sexual pleasure can create intimate feelings. Like when we cuddle and kiss, for example. To further complicate matters, I’m not sure how she feels.

Is a friend with benefits worth it?

Thank you in advance,

GV

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Hi G

Ah, the friends with benefits question.  I could go on for days about this one because the bottom line for both genders,  is that “friends with benefits” is a myth.  Perhaps, as a general rule,  less so for guys than for girls. For the female gender, causal, uncommitted, unrelated sex, becomes the bane of their lives.  As a guy  you can easily recognize that  your female friend is playing it causal. For the most part, she might actually believe in the “friends with benefits” concept.  However, she shows her hand, in spite of her poker face, when she says, ” if anything happens, it happens.”  She knows that you respect her as a person and value her friendship.  This gives her exactly what she wants from you….. respect and dignity.  This is what women want when  they hook up with a guy.  They don’t want to have  sexual relations and then get thought of in derogatory ways…. the old prude/slut dilemma.  So you are giving her the dignity she deserves as a good friend.. so it is safe to have sex with you.  She feels secure in your relationship even if it doesn’t end up as a lovingly communicated relationship.  On the other hand,  you, my dear, are getting attached to her through the kissing and cuddling.  It’s not just about sex for you, either.  How refreshing for a guy, to defy gender role expectations regarding his sexual rights.  You too, are afraid that you might get more attached to her and actually fall head over heels for her.  It would hurt you, if you cared more about her than she does for you.  This is what sex brings…. it does bring intimate emotionally charged feelings, even though guys, as a general rule, would like to deny their emotional pull toward a woman,  in favor of getting “laid” or getting “head”.  My experience is that a lot  of guys really do want a lovingly meaningful relationship that is sexually exciting, but they are fearful of expressing the emotionally meaningful side of themselves.  In our culture, it is easier for them to put the accent on “tits” and “ass”, at the expense of really connecting with a partner.

This ” friends with benefits” thing is very overrated and emotionally DEFENSIVE.  When girls pretend that they are into the  “hooking up thing” with no emotional attachment, they do this to feel apart of someone or something.  They hope that the sex thing will lead to a meaningful attachment.  They so want to be involved with a guy…. to be connected, for fear of being on the periphery of a social group, that “to do sex” is a way of staying attached.  For 36 years, I’ve heard the same mantra, from women, ” its cool to hook up with guys”– no problems, no regrets. This is the 1970’s feminist cry of free love, free sex.  In principle, women should be able to express themselves with sexual abandonment, sexual freedom and be entitled to pursue orgasm seeking behavior without being twisted up into a pretzel with guilt and shame . But most women have difficulty expressing themselves in orgasm seeking behavior unless they feel emotionally SAFE AND SECURE!!!!!.  I am not so sure they need to be in love to have orgasm- seeking behavior, since most young women are unclear about what comprises real love, anyway.  But the attitude that they can hook up with a guy who wants them sexually, might benefit the guy’s orgasm- seeking behavior, but does absolutely little for a girl’s erotic longings and pleasure. Most young women, “do” sex for their “friends,” but seldom do they  really experience and “feel” sex with their “friends.”  They just comply and often times are not erotically responsive.  What a pity  to have this “friends with benefits” sex without the benefit of an orgasm!

As a result this “friends with benefits” phenomena is an untruthful form of attachment that leaves most women and some men COLD.  It isn’t truthful.  Theoretically, we should all be able to express ourselves with sexual freedom and openness but we cannot ignore the context of this expression.  Women need to feel valued  by men.  Without this, they will have fairly empty sexual lives and faked orgasms. I am sorry that I sound so provincial and anti-sexual freedom.  I am not.  My  clinical experience leads me to understand that when women do a lot of “friends with benefits without understanding their real motives for attachment and connection, they oftentimes  feel used and abandoned by guys, and worse,  they get castigated as “sluts” for being sooooooo very easy.   They feel depressed and worthless, deep down inside.( This penchant for calling girls sluts has got to stop….. If she kisses a guy, she’s a slut; if she dresses sexually stylized, she’s a slut; if she’s too friendly with guys, she’s a slut; if she parties too much, she a slut; if she like another girl’s boyfriend, she’s a slut;  if she has big boobs, she’s a slut.  This list can go on ad nauseum.     Often times, girls confuse sex with love and nurturing.  Sometimes sex with guys makes them part of a social group so that they don’t feel like a loser ( prude).  This may be part of the problem.

Wouldn’t it lovely if we lived  in a world where women could feel in control of their eroticism.  How nice to become  a comfortably  trusted friend with a guy who has a mutuality of trust and respect for her.  Even nicer if she wants to express her sexual longings toward him without the fear that  he or others  will evaluate her as a slut.   Even more appreciated if  she might not want to have sex with him but just wants to hang out with him  to see how the relationship develops without being thought of as a prude.

Every human being must tell themselves the truth about where they are at sexually.  There is room for all types of experimentation.  Let’s stop the value judgments and get real with ourselves and each other.  Let me hear from others,  out in cyberspace,  about these thoughts.  What’s your experience?

G,  as for you, I can see that you are worried that your physical activity with her will cause you to be vulnerable to your loving attached feelings.  Why don’t you talk to her about this directly and tell her that you don’t want to hurt her or yourself.  Ask her for her thoughts.  See what she says, for real.

Hey this is Matt from your human sexuality class. During the class we were talking about how you stimulate a girl. We learned about the Djing of course but I was more interested in the language. I specifically remember you saying it is how you talk to a girl that makes her become wet/horny. It has been apparent to me and my friend’s that I don’t have the so called “game” to meet or pick up a girl. I just wanna know what it is that makes girls become interested in guy…….so basically what is this language and how do I learn it? hahaha. I recently just got over intimidation of actually talking to a girl and I think it would be helpful to actually learn how to have a conversation and keep her interested. Thanks for your help.

Hi Matt,

Sorry it took me so long to respond.  When I said in class, “its how you talk to a girl that gets her interested in you… I wasn’t referring to “talking dirty” to her… to turn her on…. that is the stuff of another blog. I was talking about how, when you are in a relationship, you need to use an attractive approach with a woman.  Passivity, in response to a woman who  has a distinct point of view, gets a guy no where.   A woman wants a guy to tell the truth about how he sees a situation in a direct way.  If he has no opinion, or doesn’t “care”  about a woman’s point of view, this can be a problem.  If a woman experiences a man as not caring, or being passive and VOICELESS, she most likely will not be interested in the guy.  A woman wants a guy who tells the truth. A woman  wants a guy to be  firm, in a no nonsense direct way;  she wants a guy who is firm and direct yet reasonable and sensitive.  This is not an easy position for most guys to negotiate– it is a fine art that must be learned.   From another point of view, when guys “claim themselves” in a respectful way; when they stand up for themselves in the face of  female  high”drama”, emotional mood swings, or mind games, most woman, stop in their tracks, with a look of awe and respect.

Now meeting or picking up girls is a different art form because there is no relationship yet– its all about “vibe” or “game”, as you call it.  It seems that  your anxiety level  might be   high because you fear rejection.  Because of the rejection potential, you may create the very condition which your fear.  This means if you are so anxious and ill at ease, you might be communicating this sentiment; so much is at stake for you.  The pressure you feel to have a girlfriend might be seen by many women as pressure for them to be in a relationship, yesterday.  Pressure has an unusual way of  being communicated– unconsciously.  Now that I have read your journal, I get what you want in a relationship which is something meaningful and intimate.  You are putting so much pressure on yourself and undoubtedly  are putting pressure on a woman to respond to you.  You need to chill and relax and be playful.    In other words, leave some emotional space to play with women.  This will warm them and challenge them to gravitate toward you.

Hi Dr. Pinhas
I have some questions I am hoping you can help me with. My girlfriend and I were fooling around and she told me that she wanted to make me squirt. I had no idea what this meant but it sounds scary! What was she referring to? Is that something that happens to all women? Can you stop it from happening?
I also have a question about oral sex. When we were getting personal, she asked me if I would pleasure her by putting my tongue inside her vagina. I would actually like to pleasure her like that as I think it’d be quite erotic, but I was apprehensive because I heard somewhere that if air is introduced into the vagina it can cause death. Is it safe to pleasure her like that or do I run the risk of killing her? L L. Please help!

Response from Dr. Pinhas

What your girlfriend is referring to is “making you squirt” through your grafenberg spot. She is presupposing that you actually have an active G spot which may not be the case. If you do have an active G spot, it would be located on the anterior wall of your vagina behind  your pubic bone.  You would have to be very sexually aroused to start with and then she would have to take one or two fingers, inside of your vagina and press  the surrounding front vaginal wall and skenes ducts, which are located  there as well.  Light touch will just not do it.  The pressure must be deep and consistent.  A woman can stimulate her G spot herself, as well.  If you were sexually active with a man, the G spot could be reached by female dominant superior position of sexual intercourse (woman on top).

Ernest Grafenberg discovered this  “anatomical structure” in the late 1940’s.  He genuinely considered this broad area of tissue on the front wall of the vaginal the equivalent of a male’s prostate gland.  What is fascinating is that examination  of the glandular tissue of the G-spot reveals the presence of prostate specific antigen (PSA).   This is the same substance secreted by a man’s prostate gland.  More definitive research is needed on this tissue to assess the accuracy of this female homologue but the results, of whatever meager research that has been conducted, have been intriguing.

In my clinical experience, most women that I’ve discussed this with are curious about whether they have an active G spot.  Some have tried to locate it through sexual stimulation with a partner’s penis or fingers and many have given up in frustration.   Yet a Canadian/ U.S. study of some 2000 plus highly educated women, reported that they’ve ejaculated 40% of the time  at the moment of orgasm. Nothing is ever simple with humans. There are no hard and fast rules about female orgasm.    What I’ve come to understand over 30 years, is that many women do not have an active  ejaculating G-spot ( presuming theoretically that they do have some differentiated “prostate” like tissue with skenes duct’s running through, on the front wall of the vagina).  Other women can orgasm from deep stimulation of this tissue on the front wall of the vaginal canal without “squirting”. This is known as a vaginal orgasm.  Few women in my clinical experience actually squirt out secretions from their G-spots although many have vaginal orgasms.  If they are “squirters”, this happens when the skene’s ducts empty prostate like fluid that exit into the bottom of the urethra which then gets propelled out.  If you and your girlfriend do experiment on whether you are a “squirter”, make sure your bladder is empty.  In the late 1970’s, I heard numerous reports of women feeling embarrassed about urinating on their partners at the moment of orgasm.  Many of them became anorgasmic due to the shame of not being able to control their bladder.  For the longest time, in the 1970’s, there was raging controversy over whether women were actually ejaculating  urine or a substance of a different sort.  ( When you apply pressure on the front wall of the vagina and your bladder is full, you will have a powerful urge to urinate and may just do that!)  However, when Perry and Whipple, reported on the rediscovery of Grafenberg’s spot, as an alternative to urination at orgasm, many women breathed a sigh of relief.  An analysis of the fluid that gets ejaculated out, reveals some interesting findings.  Some researchers consider this  ejaculant to be similar to the  a man’ seminal fluid. High levels of prostatic acid phosphatase have been found in samples of womens’ ejaculant, which is the enzyme in semen. ( Yet some researchers still consider the fluid to be chemically similar to urine).

That your girlfriend wants to MAKE you squirt, can  put an enormous pressure on you.  You don’t know whether you have an active G-spot.  You may have some rudimentary structure that isn’t entirely active in producing fluid.  “Squirting” isn’t the new standard.  Each decade, when something new is discovered about human sexuality, there is always some standard that we women have to live up to.  Freud (whom, I am most intimate with)  started this  orgasm standard madness, when he claimed that women who didn’t have vaginal orgasms where immature, childlike and neurotic.  He suggests the need to transfer the clitoral orgasm to the vagina in order to be mentally healthy. How did he know about womens’ orgasms?  As courageous, a pioneer in the area of theoretical sexuality especially for children, in Victorian times, I do not believe he got it right when it “came” to orgasm and women. (Pun intended). ( However, just because I believe that Freud was theoretically short-sighted, on female orgasm, one does not through out the baby with the bathwater on his contributions to the human psyche.  I do not want to start off a barrage of Freud bashing, which most academic psychologists are often inclined to do…. the concepts of transference, counter transference and resistance are totally brilliant and alive and well in our culture–examples abound!) Let me get back to you… I’m going off again.

It seems to me, that if you naturally ejaculated from your G-spot, and you  were afraid that it was urine, you would be comforted to know about the G-spots existence and its potential for producing fluid.  If however, you don’t know whether you have an active G-spot, you can try and play with the spot, but only in the context of a highly erotic encounter, otherwise there will be no orgasms.( One can’t be clinical about finding this spot and feel highly erotic at the same time! LOL).   If after multiple attempts, you get frustrated and nothing happens erotically,  why knock yourself out to “create” an ejaculation that may not exist, although you might orgasm.  You then really might be ejaculating out urine if you are just trying to please your partner’s sexual goals for you.  This causes performance anxiety which goes a long way in creating sexual dysfunction. As women and men, we need to give up the impossible standards that pop culture places on us.

Relax with her; experiment, if you like; enjoy what you have together;  but do not create new orgasm standards to live up to! The old ones are quite enough!

PS: Cunnilingus does not cause air embolisms if you are not pregnant.  This is the stuff of another blog.  I’ll get to it shortly.

Dr. Pinhas,

I have to let you know how much of and imprint you’ve left in my life. I am not currently sexually active because I am waiting for marriage but even still, you have touched me in a way through your lectures that have made me so comfortable with my body and I am greatfull. I used to be very touchy about (sex) and now I am much more liberated. Thank you so much for being who you are and doing what you do. You have helped me tremendously with learning my body and who I am and for this I am grateful.

Response From Dr. Pinhas

Hi M,

It is interesting that your value system encourages you to wait until marriage to become sexually active yet you’ve allowed yourself to stay open to the information presented in class. It is a pleasure that you do not have to defend yourself against sexual information about your genitalia that could potentially create anxiety.  You’ve incorporated the class material exactly in the way I intended it to be.. that is, to take it in to yourself, and make it useful, given whatever value system you believe in.  This is what good sexual education does.  It allows people of diverse backgrounds, with varying values, to make the best use of material about their sexual selves to enhance their own lives in the context of their own values.

Having said this, a few words about the content of our chat….. Your vulva belongs to you.. it is not a foreign agent, an alien structure meant to cause you grief and shame.  If we must get theological about it, it is God given and so it is natural and normal.  Unfortunately, as we are raised and time goes by, we get all sorts of negative messages about our genitalia and those of men, as depicted in the meaning of  cultural sexual slang.  What started out as a normal anatomical part of our selves gets hyped into an area that is imbued with ideas of  “dirt, smell and badness”.    A sad state of affairs, Isn’t it?  I don’t know whether I mentioned this in class but there is a wonderful  permanent  Elizabeth Sackler exhibit  at the Brooklyn Museum called “The Dinner Party” by an artist named Judy Chicago. This exhibit has been around since the late 1970’s but what makes it so special, at least to me, is the historical depiction of  famous women  on artistic dinner plates with beautiful, strong, flowery representations of their vulvas.  This is in stark contrast to how our vulvas  get depicted through sexual innuendo and slang. Why the artist and her work, has been caught up in controversy is the stuff of another blog.   The exhibit is gorgeous, liberating,  and expressive.  If any of you live in the New York area,  it is worth seeing, especially if you appreciate artistic metaphor.

As a final note, M, I am pleased to be part of your journey. We’ve only just begun.  There is still magic to be made in class! (LOL)

I have been following the posts on Uganda, as well as Jay’s and Cindy’s posts.

I am a gay male who unfortunately did not have the same positive experience as Jay did. I am 24 and both my parents do not know I am gay. A matter of fact I am so frightened to tell them since I have often heard my dad make disparaging remarks about gay people, i.e calling them “fags” and “queers”. While I understand the gay community uses the word “queer” as an affirming, positive word….be sure that is not my father’s intended use of the word.

I cringe when I hear him talk like this and I’m not even sure he doesn’t have his ideas about me. If he does it is even more hurtful that he would continue to use these words. My mom unfortunately is quite controlled by my dad so she sits there and accepts his words.

I was wondering if you, Dr. Pinhas or anyone else have any words of wisdom on how I can best come out to them. I am tired of living a lie and want to be honest about who I am and live my life with integrity.

I have had to “sneak” around when it comes to dating. I have never been able to bring over my significant other to meet them. It has even put a strain on our relationship since my b/f is totally out and his family totally accepts him. He has been very supportive but thinks it is to my detriment to stay in the closet.

All positive comments are welcomed….especially from those who have gone through this.

Thank you Dr. Pinhas for having a forum like this where people can come and be honest about themselves and ask for help on a myriad of topics. I love reading your blog and think you are wonderful!

From Gay Rights: An Out of the Closet Recollection, 2010/02/03 at 6:32 PM

Response from Dr. Pinhas

Thanks Mike for expressing your thoughtful dilemma.  Coming out to family is always stressful and just because we are living in 2010 and there is more societal openness toward gayness, doesn’t make it any less stressful, when you specifically are the one coming out. From the sound of it, your parents sound relatively rigid and authoritarian which can make disclosure particularly painful.  Since you are 24 years old and your parents have managed to interact with you all these years into your early adulthood, a mutual pretense may be going on between you and them.  You know your gay; they may know you are gay; no one’s talking.

It almost seems, as if, your father may be baiting you without conscious awareness.  Let me hypothesize the following: When your father goes into his homophobic rant, he may be provoking you into a disclosure  by seeing ” if you will man up” to him.  It’s bizarre behavior on his part, but it may, just in fact, fit the description of your father.  In essence, he is accusing you of being a “passive wimp” ( perhaps his distorted notion of what gay men are really like) and wants to see if you’ll stand up to him….”like a man” ( his supposed thoughts).  Sooooo I think there is a dynamic going on  between you and him which needs to get confronted.

You cannot come out in a way that asks for  your parents approval.  They will never give you approval unless you are willing to accept yourself with dignity and worth.  Only then will you get the respect and consideration that you seek from them.  You need to inform them at a time when he’s going on with one of his homophobic rants, by saying something like,” Dad, when you use language like “fag”/ “queer” it enrages me and turns my stomach… after all these years don’t you know that I’m gay?  Haven’t you suspected it?  I can’t sit by and listen to you rant about gay people when you have a son in your family that is happily gay, with the exception of having stayed in the closet  far too long. I should have told you and mom long ago but given your predisposition to “fag bashing” its been difficult for me to take you and this issue on.  Now is a different day.  I have a terrific boyfriend whose family is loving and supportive and I’d like to start leading my life with integrity, rather than sneak around the two of you.”  I am not asking for your approval.  I am only telling you that I’m gay and that if you want to make disparaging commentary, keep it to yourself or not in earshot of me.”  I love you both… and hope that you come to terms with my sexual orientation. If there is anything you want to know, just ask me.”

Mike, they will need time to digest this and integrate into themselves.  After all you needed 20 some odd years to figure out your orientation as well and reveal it to them.  This is a developmental milestone that you need to achieve in order to be truly an adult. Remember you are not asking for approval; you are just informing. Think about what poor Mary Cheney had to go through in order to tell the Vice President, that she was a lesbian.  Dick Cheney  must have experienced cognitive dissonance of the most extreme magnitude.  Look at the outcome.. not only didn’t he reject his daughter… he is supportive of her rights as a lesbian and accepts her lover and their daughter.  Surely, If Dick  and Lynn Cheney came to accept Mary, there has to be hope for your father.  You just need to courage to speak up.

Incidentally, a survey in  The Advocate asking ” Have you come out to your parents?” found that 63% of gays  said yes, they came out and their parents took the news well, 11% said yes and their parents rejected them and 26% said no.

Mike, if there are specific circumstances that I needed to know in order to give you a more specific answer, just blog them and I will hone in on it.

Best of luck on your journey!

I am 36 year old mom .the last time i had sex with my husband the night when we conceived our daughter.
Its been 2 years we do not have any sexually contact.Except hugs and a kiss .I know my hormones  are making me nuts ,the thing is my husband does not believe that i am ” bitchy” because of that he said it’s just a excuse to being .. and have a bad mood etc.
He always telling me he to old ( he just turned 40years Old) i know he loves me.
can u tell me what wrong with us ?i wanna have my old self back .
please help
Thank you
G

Response from Dr. Pinhas

What is evident is that the both of you are staying away from each other.  My presumption is that you have a two year old daughter and you say you are hormonally stressed out. Both of these factors can create difficulties with sexual desire.  The problem is G, that the issue between you and hubbie is far more complicated than you know.  Problems with desire are different from problems with arousal.  In order for me to provide you with an answer that’s meaningful, I’d need to know sooooooo much more than you’ve given me.  Do you want sex?  Does he want sex?  Who wants sex more, you or him? Neither?  What went on emotionally and sexually between the two of you before you gave birth?  What are your sexual histories with each other and alone.  If this is your problem, is it having an effect on him and making him feel that  he is “too old for sexuality?’ Or is he feeling anxious about what goes you between you and him emotionally, especially when he see’s you PMSing. How do you emotionally interact and disagree and argue?  You see…. lots of questions.  It would be disrespectful if I jumped into your head with my dirty feet given the vague description of your circumstances.

I am sorry not to be able to answer your question in greater detail, but inhibited sexual desire, ( if this is what you guys are suffering with… hard to know ) is a  very complicated disorder which must be teased out by a skilled clinician.  Consider a consultation with a sex therapist… This is the only way you are going to get to the bottom of what’s troubling you.  You are entitled to have your old self back.  But what did that old self look like sexually?  Sorry for not being of greater assistance.

Hi Dr. Pinhas,
I am not too sure how to approach this topic, so I apologize in advance for the possible rambling that may occur. I am taking your human sexuality class, but I am not comfortable enough with the subject matter to identify myself. I am hoping that you may be able to shed some light on some issues that have caused me a great deal of pain and difficulty. I have so much shame and embarrassment surrounding these issues that I could never speak to someone about what I am going through.
I am a female in my early twenties. I was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder when I was fifteen years old and, more recently, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was abused verbally, physically and sexually for a period in excess of 20 years. The abuse began within the nuclear family unit; however, by the time I was fourteen, I had been subjected not only to incest but to acquaintance, stranger and gang rape. These horrific and torturous experiences have left me with more issues than I could possibly discuss here, so I will stick to the ones that are causing me the most psychic indigestion at this moment in time.
For the last three years, I have been experiencing vivid flashbacks about the abuse. These memories are often so intrusive and disturbing that they render me unable to function. One of the questions I have is about something that happens sometimes during these episodes. On more than one occasion I have noticed that I am “wet” after experiencing a flashback. This is something that has really scared and upset me. The abuse that I suffered was always about force; there was never a “grooming” period and no one was ever gentle with me. It was so sadistic; my abusers took a lot of pleasure in torturing me. I don’t understand why this is happening, especially as the flashbacks are so terrifying that often times I end up curled up in a ball shaking and crying. Why does this happen to me?
I thought I heard you mention in class (or maybe I read it somewhere) that when the sympathetic nervous system is activated for flight or fight, the increase in sympathetic discharge could be responsible for a man getting an erection during rape.My flashbacks feel as real as the first time I was attacked, so even though the event isn’t physically occuring in that moment I am wondering if my body is reacting like it is happening. I also thought you said that men and women’s “parts” kinda work the same. Is it possible that this is the reason for my problem, or am I reading way too much into it? Am I a freak? It really scares me and I wish I knew why it is happening.
The other question I had was about my current sexual experiences. For me, there is an incredible amount of fear surrounding sex. I have never had a comfortable experience. I am currently in a relationship with a woman (I cannot stand to be touched by a man right now). She knows something happened to me, but she is unaware of the full extent of the abuse. I am comfortable with her as a person and I don’t believe that she would intentionally hurt me, but when we have sex I panic. I like kissing and cuddling, but the second her hands venture south I freak out. I feel this incredible fear, and I just want to escape. This happens before she even touches my vagina. If she touches my hips or my groin I instinctively pull away. I am not controlling the reaction. She thinks I am ticklish, but the truth is I am terrified. When she performs oral sex on me I just want to cry. If she penetrates me in any way I feel pain. Sometimes I have flashbacks and then everything goes blank. It is frightening because I am not in control of the body, and I don’t recall engaging in the experience.  Do you have any ideas about how to get over my fears and issues? I don’t want to be on my own forever, so I feel like I have to do sex. I also don’t want to discuss the abuse further with my partner because of the shame and guilt. Please help L
Thank you.

Response from Dr. Pinhas

L, First let me express to you, how deeply sad I am that you have been  traumatically violated over the course of your short life.  The flashbacks are clearly part of the sequelae of PTSD.  Because the sympathetic nervous system is in operation during a fight/flight reaction and your body is on trauma alert with a flood of stress hormones , it is not unusual for vaginal lubrication to occur.  It must be so disheartening when you experience “wetness”.  It is, as if, your body is telling you that you voluntarily wanted the traumatic violative experiences to happen.. as if, you get aroused, by the trauma.  You are not a “freak”… nor a masochist that has converted pain into pleasure.  This could not be further from the truth.  Your wetness, is simply a physiological reaction to a “fight/flight” episode induced by your PTSD.   Do not read anymore into it.  It will make you go crazy.  Accept it as part of your body’s response to trauma. Now onto your second concern. How to get over your fear and anxieties about being sexually involved with your partner.  The first question, I would like to ask you, is whether you’ve had any psychological therapy?  I can tell by your question, that you were diagnosed with a dissociative disorder at 15 years of age.  Does that mean that you’ve continued to engage a therapist in the process of trying to heal?  if you are not in therapy, I would recommend that you do so….. Seek out a well trained clinician, especially one with EMDR training which is a very useful way of cutting into the  the experience of affective flooding.  This will help you in going on with your life.  As for your sexuality….. You need to talk to your partner about your history and how it is effecting you.  I clearly understand that you are experiencing shame and that mitigates against a full disclosure, but you might need her help with your problem.  Might she be willing to engage with you in a sensate focus while you engage yourself in self-hypnosis and visualization techniques?   Conceptually, these are a series of exercises that would   be designed for you and your sparse sexual tolerances.  Essentially, the short version, of this therapy would involve you putting yourself into a peaceful place, visualizing something completely  relaxing, while you do a series of graduated, non-threatening tactile bodily exercises with no demands for performance and no sexual goals.  This would be akin to hugging and kissing in a more detailed, progressive way. In your case, you would have to go it ever, so slowly, so as not to arousal threat.  This approach is a start.  We will be going over this type of generic exercises in class in the latter portion of the semester. Wishing the best for you.